Read this if you find your validation in others

Deep ✨

Finding or getting your sense of self worth in and from other people is very human, but also fleeting. If we find our validation – our worthiness, our feeling of ‘being important or special’ – in our friends, the opposite sex, our parents or strangers on the internet, we have to go back to them for it every single time. And that isn’t very comforting OR sustainable, is it?

The point is, we all do it. We all want to be recognized and seen by other people. We all want other people to want us, or to want to be us. We all want to know that we are worthy, so we look for signs that show us that we are smart, kind, beautiful or interesting.

Why we do it

We need this validation from other people because we are social beings, and getting validated feels like we are part of a group, like we are ‘in’. For our ancestors, and still in a different way today, this social status increases our probability for staying alive.

But although we are practically worthless on our own in the biological and evolutionary sense, our worthiness as a person, as a human being, as a young woman, does NOT require validation from others (or at all).

Why it’s bad news

And if we do feel the need for validation – which is completely normal – we should stay away from finding it in compliments, likes or envy from others. This validation is usually timely and very superficial. It is usually only a poorly found appreciation of our body, our beauty, or our general likability in the eyes of others.

But even if the validation we get from others is true, profound and justified (say, the unconditional love you get from a parent, or the appreciation of your talents by a friend) we should refrain from being dependent on their judgement. The point is, if we find our sense of self worth in something outside of us, on something that is as timely and fleeting as another person, we have to go back to them for it every single time.

We all know the girl who fishes for compliments all the time, don’t we? Or we all know the feeling of being someone’s obsession, but somehow it doesn’t feel like you are valued enough just yet. We have all told our mom ‘Well I know you think I’m beautiful, but that’s just you.’

This shows that someone else’s validation never fully satisfies our ego. And it shouldn’t. Because as you might already know, things that appeal to the ego are hardly ever good news to the soul. The kind of validation that we look for in others, can by its external, superficial and temporary nature never truly give us a sense of self worth.

What now?

So, where do we find our validation, then? It has to be a source that is not temporary, that is not external, that does not run out and that is profound and universally true. But where you find it varies from person to person.

For a religious soul, this might be God. For a spiritual one, this is Source, energy, connectedness or the universe. An atheist might find it in self-realization or a humanist view on identity and self. But basically everyone could find it in their humanity, their talents, their kindness, their special role within society, or the fact that you are here, now, and you are you – perfectly different from everyone else but similar enough to always be part of the whole.

If you ever feel let down by someone else because they don’t validate you, remember that your worthiness is not tied to their timely opinion. That you weren’t willing to come back for another shot of validation every single day anyway. That like Sagan said, ‘we are all made from starstuff’. And there is nothing any other human can do about that.

So whether you have many friends or no friends at all, whether you have 1k likes on Instagram or 1, whether people call you beautiful or people call you ugly, your worth remains the same and untainted. Always.

xx Coco

How I know you’re worthy

Deep ✨

I hope I don’t have to tell you this, but if I do, I’m glad to: You’re so valuable. You’re more than good enough. You deserve everything you want. If you feel like you have no or low worth, or you don’t deserve to be loved – you’re wrong. And I know what you’re thinking: I don’t even know you. So let me tell you how I can see your worth without knowing you. Or more importantly: how you can see this too.

You are human

Let’s start with something really obvious: you are human. By definition, this means you are a feeling, experiencing, ever growing, loving & dreaming, complex and therefore amazing creature. Human beings are so special – just think about it – there’s so many things each of us can do. We can feel pain, we can experience pleasure.

We have certain interest for our wellbeing. We are creative in the way we think and live our lives, we can create other people and we can love and feel empathy for others. We can even love and care for animals, nature and things we don’t even fully understand. This makes that all of us, including you, have inherent value.

You are unique

There’s another obvious reason you have worth: because there is only one of you. You are unique in every way, only one person in this whole world is who you are. And there’s a reason for that uniqueness. Only one person can bring to the table exactly what you can. You have unique traits that can help or add to the lives of others, even when you don’t always see it yourself.

Only you are good at something particular, in your own kind of way. This doesn’t always mean that everything you do is irreplaceable; but it does mean that it cannot be done the same way you do it. This inevitably means that you have a place in this world no one else could take. This is so valuable.

You have a purpose

Building on the previous paragraph, these unique traits and the fact that there’s only one of you who can do what you can, suggests there is a purpose for your existence. You’re filling a gap that apparently needed to be filled. Even if you don’t feel that way yet, or even if you haven’t found your purpose – it serves you to accept it as truth that you have one. There is a reason you’re here.

If you need help finding your purpose, try reading this blog and filling out the worksheet.

You exist

This sounds really simple. But let’s think about this & quote Nietzsche here:

“Our own existence now must encourage us most strongly to live according to our own laws and standards: it is an inexplicable fact that we live precisely today, and had an infinite time to develop–nevertheless, we possess only a short-lived today to show why and to what end we evolved. We have only ourselves to answer for our existence; consequently we want to be the real helmsman of this existence and not permit our existence to be a thoughtless accident.”

If we may believe the brilliant Nietzsche, this means that because we happen to live now and only now (even though we had the whole existence of mankind to be born), we have to prove to ourselves why we were born right here, right now. This assumes there is a reason for your existence.

You are not born out of accident or by mere chance, but the fact that you are here, now, means that you should be here, now. And let’s make that count. Your worth, therefore, also lies in the fact that you’re in existence. There’s a reason and value to your presence.

Bonus: you are loved

I love counting spirituality as a bonus. But for many people, this reason should be the first one to mention (sorry!). If you believe in a higher power, whether this is a religious God or some type of spiritual ‘source’, there is another authority, outside (or should I say inside? 😉 ) of you and life itself that acknowledges your worth.

Because in the spiritual sense, not only are you human, unique, purposeful and existing, but it is also divine will that you are all these things. There’s divine planning, purpose, reason and love behind your existence. You are here to be loved. You are here to be accepted, acknowledged and worthy. Divinity made you exactly as you should be, and your worthiness by that alone (some people would say) is blatantly obvious.

Of course, you are also loved by other people, and probably some animals. But I would like to not count these types of love as adding to your worth, since this makes your worth contingent on external factors. Because even if (you feel like) you are not loved by anyone, you are still worthy, and deserve just as much abundance as everyone else.

The thing is, and I hope you can realise this after reading this blog: your worthiness is an inherent part of you. Whether you (or others) can see it or not. It always has been, and always will be.

xx Coco

The self care nobody talks about

Deep ✨, Lifestyle 🏃🏼‍♀️

The concept of self care is so hot right now. Everybody does it – everywhere you go. Don’t get me wrong, I think this is SO important. But self care almost seems the new religion everyone has just adopted. And while I love talking about the spiritual side of self care (just wait for that blogpost ;)) there is a side of self care nobody seems to talk about. Because it’s dark. Or hard. And not as convenient and comfortable as ‘self care’ might sound. But I’m a scorpio, so dark and uncomfortable attracts me. Let’s dive into this.

What we like to view as ‘self care’

Usually, when we talk about self care, we often actually mean self maintenance. Painting your nails, shaving your body, or getting your hair done can feel like self care, but they do not actually make us better human beings. Or make us feel better on the long run.

We might indirectly feel better on the inside because of what we do on the outside. Maybe we feel more worthy because we take good care of ourselves, and in that way we ‘care’ for our ‘self’. But other than that, making sure your outward appearance looks good is not the same as caring for your character, your mind or your soul.

And yes, there is a deeper and traditional concept of self care that we also talk about very often. Investing in your development, reading books or meditation also count as self care. Making sure you are okay, making sure you feel good about yourself, and feeding your self-image with positive mental states is self care. But there’s the catch.

What ‘self care’ also is

In order to take real care of yourself and your happiness, and in order to really get what you deserve, you sometimes have to be really hard and difficult for yourself. Sometimes, you have to grab life by the balls, and force yourself to do something you really hate, or that really hurts, in order to take care of yourself in the long run.

And no, this isn’t as fun or convenient as taking a bath or reading a book. It doesn’t instantly make you feel better, and it doesn’t sound like something we want to call ‘self care’ at all. But it is. Self care can be really hard, dark and ugly.

So it’s time we get used to taking care of ourselves in these ways too. Real happiness, real self worth and real fulfilment require a little more effort than the traditional, easy sense of ‘self care’. Because the things that make us feel unhappy, unworthy and unfulfilled are serious problems, which require serious measures.

You need to hear this

So, don’t shoot the messenger, but sometimes self care is not going back to your toxic ex-boyfriend, even though you love him. Self care is telling your friends that you can’t hangout tonight because you need time to work through your darkness or loneliness right now.

It is NOT wasting a lot of money on shopping, drinking or getting your hair done to suppress your emotions, but actually dealing with them – ESPECIALLY when it hurts. It is eating healthy and reasonably, even though ‘you really love food’. Self care is quitting your victim-mentality, and being hard on yourself just so you can pick yourself up because, well: nobody else can do it.

Self care is facing rejection, pain and hardship. Because dealing with it and being happy in the long run is what a person who cares for herself would do. Running away and staying in your dark hole because it’s easier in the moment, is what the girl who doesn’t love herself would do (because she believes she doesn’t deserve to be happy in the long run).

And yes, forcing yourself to work towards being the girl who loves herself and moves on, instead of the girl who hates herself and gets stuck – you guessed it – also counts as self care. Let’s get it into our system.

Let me know what you think! What types of self care do you practice? And would you like a worksheet with this blog?

xx Coco