self-worth

Finding or getting your sense of self worth in and from other people is very human, but also fleeting. If we find our validation – our worthiness, our feeling of ‘being important or special’ – in our friends, the opposite sex, our parents or strangers on the internet, we have to go back to them for it every single time. And that isn’t very comforting OR sustainable, is it?

The point is, we all do it. We all want to be recognized and seen by other people. We all want other people to want us, or to want to be us. We all want to know that we are worthy, so we look for signs that show us that we are smart, kind, beautiful or interesting.

Why we do it

We need this validation from other people because we are social beings, and getting validated feels like we are part of a group, like we are ‘in’. For our ancestors, and still in a different way today, this social status increases our probability for staying alive.

But although we are practically worthless on our own in the biological and evolutionary sense, our worthiness as a person, as a human being, as a young woman, does NOT require validation from others (or at all).

Why it’s bad news

And if we do feel the need for validation – which is completely normal – we should stay away from finding it in compliments, likes or envy from others. This validation is usually timely and very superficial. It is usually only a poorly found appreciation of our body, our beauty, or our general likability in the eyes of others.

But even if the validation we get from others is true, profound and justified (say, the unconditional love you get from a parent, or the appreciation of your talents by a friend) we should refrain from being dependent on their judgement. The point is, if we find our sense of self worth in something outside of us, on something that is as timely and fleeting as another person, we have to go back to them for it every single time.

We all know the girl who fishes for compliments all the time, don’t we? Or we all know the feeling of being someone’s obsession, but somehow it doesn’t feel like you are valued enough just yet. We have all told our mom ‘Well I know you think I’m beautiful, but that’s just you.’

This shows that someone else’s validation never fully satisfies our ego. And it shouldn’t. Because as you might already know, things that appeal to the ego are hardly ever good news to the soul. The kind of validation that we look for in others, can by its external, superficial and temporary nature never truly give us a sense of self worth.

What now?

So, where do we find our validation, then? It has to be a source that is not temporary, that is not external, that does not run out and that is profound and universally true. But where you find it varies from person to person.

For a religious soul, this might be God. For a spiritual one, this is Source, energy, connectedness or the universe. An atheist might find it in self-realization or a humanist view on identity and self. But basically everyone could find it in their humanity, their talents, their kindness, their special role within society, or the fact that you are here, now, and you are you – perfectly different from everyone else but similar enough to always be part of the whole.

If you ever feel let down by someone else because they don’t validate you, remember that your worthiness is not tied to their timely opinion. That you weren’t willing to come back for another shot of validation every single day anyway. That like Sagan said, ‘we are all made from starstuff’. And there is nothing any other human can do about that.

So whether you have many friends or no friends at all, whether you have 1k likes on Instagram or 1, whether people call you beautiful or people call you ugly, your worth remains the same and untainted. Always.

xx Coco

I believe that a good sense of self-worth is really important in reaching almost any goal in life. Whether it’s a relationship, a career, or smaller goals like losing weight: a positive yet realistic view on who you are as a person and ‘what you’re worth’ is the essential foundation to build upon.

Not only will it be easier to believe these goals are actually within your reach – you’ll also only see yourself as a good reason to invest/prioritise/make an effort if you can see yourself as someone who deserves the things you want. Here are some tips that work for me.

Stop looking for validation from others

It is very obvious: if you want to love who you are, you have to stop making your worth contingent on whether other people see it or not. You have to get a sense of self-worth or confidence that is independent of external things. One way to train this sense of self-worth is to simply stop asking other people for their validation, or learn to be blind for it, and start seeing that the fact that you love/want/think something, is enough reason to stand by it.

Stop regretting saying something just because someone didn’t give you the reaction you wanted. Stop dressing a certain way just so other people will think you’re sexy or pretty. Stop showing the preferred behaviour just because you’re afraid that otherwise, someone won’t like you. If you know why you love/want/think something, that’s enough. You are the main character of your life, so your opinion matters most.

Accept your flaws, celebrate your strengths

What you focus on, expands. So don’t focus on the negatives of your looks or character. Don’t stress on the small things that you would like to change about yourself. Simply accept that they are there – and then let them go. Focus on what you do like about you, and show them extra attention or care. If you love your hair: wear it down, or curl it, make it shine, show it off. If you like your kind personality: be kind to strangers, be kind on the internet, share your kindness.

Not only will it make other people not even see your flaws, but more importantly: it will remind you of your amazing features. If you remind yourself of your strengths more often than your flaws (make lists or stick notes to your mirror if you have to!), you will automatically have a more positive view on yourself and gain confidence.

Focus on your potential and invest in it

You are unique. There’s only one of you, only one person who can bring to the table exactly what you can. And there’s a reason for this uniqueness. Let the world enjoy this special trait of you. Find out what you’re good at, or how you can help other people. It doesn’t have to be big, it can even be a small skill that you teach someone else that will add value to their life, or a feeling of joy you can bring the people around you.

Find what you can add to the world and invest your time and energy into this potential. Realize it: it will give you more confidence showing yourself that you can be successful. Having a passion project and getting excited about your future, will also make you understand why you’re on this planet, and will make you feel more thankful to be you.

Need help finding your passion or purpose? Find my worksheet here.

Don’t compare yourself to others

Delete every account on social media that doesn’t make you feel good about yourself. Take a break from it altogether if you need to. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good, and stop spending time on people who don’t.

If people make you feel like you need to be better, or you need to be someone else, they’re simple not your people. When you feel yourself looking at other women like they’re worth more than you, or they’re prettier, skinnier, smarter than you – focus on your individuality, and your strengths.

Realise that their skinniness, prettiness or smartness doesn’t make them more worthy than you are. Our worth as human beings cannot be found in these variables. No matter how often other people validate the opposite. They’re simply focused on the wrong things, and now you are too. Rise above it.

Take really good care of yourself

And I mean both physically and mentally. Sure, self-care like taking a bath and eating healthy are really good for your self-worth. You will appreciate your body more if you treat it right. Because when you take good care of yourself, you are basically showing yourself that you’re worth taking care of.

But mental self-care is also really important. Have healthy mantra’s you repeat every day until you believe them. It is not strange and sometimes even necessary to literally tell yourself ‘I’m worthy, I’m beautiful, I’m important, even if not everyone sees it.’ Make sure the thoughts you have about yourself are positive too. If you catch yourself thinking ‘I should be smarter/prettier/skinnier’ instantly replace that thought with something positive.

Think about it: would you say this to your best friend? Of course not – it is not true and would hurt her. So why are you hurting yourself with these lies?

Bonus: Trust in a higher power

This one is not for everyone, and definitely not essential. Someone who would call themselves ‘super atheist and non-spiritual whatsoever’ can have great self-worth and confidence, not only for the reasons listed above. For me however, it really helps to be a spiritual person, and to have a sense of a higher power that watches over me or sees me and my purpose.

This doesn’t have to be very literal like a Christian god. It can also be the higher plan of the universe, or the energy that ties everything in this world together. It can even be something a little more scientific like a radical interpretation of the theory of evolution (more about this in a later blogpost) or the fact that we are social beings and we all have a place in our society. Whatever it is: connecting with something bigger than yourself is a well-known way of ‘being thrown into your purpose’. Which if we believe my third point on potential, will help us see our worth and become more confident.

I hope you enjoyed these tips on finding your worth. Just remember: your worth is not something you have to deserve or acquire, it is something that is already there. You can use these tips to simply learn to see it, or get more used to living more in alignment with it. Let me know if they work for you!