perfectionism

I didn’t know I was a perfectionist

Deep ✨

Ever since I can remember, I have been a ‘6-type’ of person. In the dutch scholar system, a six is a very average grade, that is just about enough to pass. Sixes-people aren’t outstanding people. They settle for less or are kinda simple. They don’t excel in anything. They’re fine. Content. And probably lazy.

I thought I was lazy

And I always took pride in this identity. As a student, I was fine getting graded a six, because I did very little to pass my classes. I took pride in this six, because I hardly even worked for it and it still worked out. That must’ve meant I was kinda smart right?! I always started studying or working on assignments the night before the deadline. I didn’t even try to start before that moment. I agreed that I was lazy, and I didn’t mind it.

I even felt like people with higher grades were just wasting time. Why work for a nine, if you only need a six to pass? In the special occasion I got a higher grade, I even sighed and said: I worked too hard again. I wanted time for myself, so bothered as little as possible for schoolwork and just made sprints out of my deadlines.

So I took a test

But when I started by fulltime job, I was offered a workshop on changing habits. I wanted to change my lazy procrastination habits and explained the situation to my coach. He asked me if I had ever been tested for performance anxiety. ‘Of course not!’ I replied. I was the opposite of that! I was lazy, cared more for my free time and hobbies than for achieving things and being successful.

Yet he insisted and asked me to take a perfectionism-test. This test didn’t ask me to explain my habits and actions, but analysed my habits and actions to see which fears and cravings were beneath them. The result? I am a hardcore perfectionist. I crave achievement and success. Failure and being average terrifies me. So why did I choose for these things on purpose for so long?

How I covered my fears

Turns out, I tried to cover the fear of being a failure or being average, by purposely showing that behaviour. As long as I didn’t try hard to reach my goals, I didn’t have to conclude that I was failing if I didn’t reach them. If I failed, or performed just average, it wasn’t too hard for me because I never really tried anyway. Moreover, I was applauding myself for not trying and still being somewhat successful!

Of course I wanted the high grades, but I never dared to see what happened if I actually studied for a 10. Being a smart girl has always been my identity, so what would happen if I studied for a 10, but still only got a 7 or 8? I much rather was the girl who was smart for not studying and still getting that 6.

I soon realised that this underachieving was applicable to many more situations in my life. I never set goals for myself or shared them with others, out of fear for not reaching them and having to conclude that I’m a failure. And because I never really tried the hard stuff, I didn’t gain any self-confidence on these matters either. Because if you don’t try, sure you cannot fail – but you cannot succeed either. And you never prove your insecurities wrong.

I learned to try

But I knew that that was no way to live. Deep down, I am not that lazy or average girl, and more important: I do have goals and dreams! So I took one year to actually try for what I wanted. I promised myself to actually write down work for my goals, and also share them with the world.

Within 5 months, I had reached all of the goals I had set for the year. I was flabbergasted, but also really thankful to hear a new voice that was now clear in my head, saying: you knew you could do this all along. You were just too scared.

I remember the moment I was going for my first try at my drivers license. I said to my friend that I was really afraid to fail. She understood, but also reality-checked me and said: Have you ever really tried at something you wanted and failed? And she was right. If I really want something, I always get it. And if I’m scared? I’ll do it scared.

Do it scared

Because being perfect is impossible. Everybody fails at times. And that can be scary, and it can hurt. But being lazy is not an option in this life that has so much to offer. ‘Life starts at the end of your comfort zone’ has been a motto since I took that test. And I challenge everyone reading this to please: face the fears that are holding you back from what you deserve.

Life is too short to be comfortable (or average).

xx Coco

You’re not trying to win life

Geen categorie

This morning I learned that sometimes, selfcare is letting go of all your routines and goals for the day. I woke up at 6 am, after having a week of little sleep and lots of work. I had been hard on myself all from monday through friday, kept waking up early, telling myself to ‘just push through’. So this morning I did my make up, started my morning routine, but when I opened my book to read – I broke.

Breaking point

I had what you would simply call ‘a bad day’. I didn’t have enough sleep, lost a few followers on Instagram, gained a little weight, just started having my period, and somehow my mourning routine took a lot of time and effort. While I realise these are all minor things on a good day, this morning I just couldn’t handle it anymore.

I had worked so hard towards my goals, and now I felt that no matter how hard I ‘pushed through’, I was failing them all. I felt like just wasn’t good at anything I tried, like I was a complete failure. I felt like this was proof that I was trying to do something that just wasn’t for me. But then I realised that what I wanted was a lot and that I was being very hard on myself. I was juggling many new goals and dreams, and wanted to be perfect at them all.

So after crying and hating myself for a few good minutes, I decided to be easy on myself today. I removed my make up again, made myself a tea and a hot compress for my belly, and went back to bed. When I was all warm and cozy again, I made a list in my head of all the things I was actually doing really well.

Nothing in nature blooms all year

I praised myself for waking up all week at 6 am, even though I didn’t get enough sleep any of those nights. I praised myself for staying on track with my blogs and Instagram posts, and for the fact that I gained 600 followers just one week after starting my page. I praised myself for not having one drink in 1,5 months, and having kept up with my reading, stretching, walking, meditating and journalling since the beginning of the year. I also kept the promise to myself to not buy any cheap/unethical clothing and to eat more healthy and plantbased. And most of all, I praised myself for starting my dream: this website!

So picked myself up, got out of bed and tried to rock the day again! No, just kidding. I didn’t. I stayed in my pyjamas all day and moved important tasks to next week. There. Nothing in nature blooms all year. And some days, it’s important to take these words seriously. Some days are for staying in bed, and loving yourself for how far you’ve come. For realising that bad days aren’t ‘failing’ or ‘a set-back’, but actually very important to keep your sanity and get new insights.

Sometimes, you need to realise that no one is perfect (and no, perfectionism is NOT a good character trait), so don’t try to win a race you never wanted to be in anyway. You can’t give 100% all the time, and your growth and transformation isn’t linear. And that despite all these things, you are doing a really, really good job at life. Enjoy it!

xx Coco