Self-improvement fatigue

Deep ✨

It’s a new year again. And I love new beginnings. I always have goals and dreams for the future, and any type of clean slate makes me feel motivated to achieve them. However, in 2020 I started a self-improvement journey, including journalling and everything, that really excited me and gave me a strong sense of accomplishment that I haven’t been able to feel again.

It’s one of those things that really bugs me about life. You can never really have the same intense feelings as the very first time you felt them. And in the self-improvement area, this can be extra bugging and disappointing. Because the very thing that made you believe you can pretty much do anything is now missing, and this very same thing makes you feel like it’s your own fault.

It’s not like I don’t set or reach goals anymore. I still grow and learn everyday, both intentionally and ‘at random’. But there was something very satisfying in checking off to-do lists everyday, and have a moment of reflection at least once a week. I know how to do these things, and I could force myself to get back into the habit of it, but I’m simply not feeling it anymore. I don’t care for the lists, I don’t have energy for constant reflection – and yet I crave the rewarding feeling of it.

Which is weird, because I still set goals and reach them. I know I do – because I still check them off during the year, and reflect & plan at every end of the year. But somehow it doesn’t feel like it’s enough; I was able to see my progress (and feel good about myself!) almost daily when I was a lot more practical in my self-improvement journey. Somehow putting pen to paper and checking off things DAILY makes a huge difference in my mindset.

Maybe there is a way to get into it again, without being overwhelmed by endless moments of reflection, and the pressure to ‘do better’ every single day. Maybe there is a way to feel that sense of reward and accomplishment, without having to ‘manage’ and track your personal progress all the time.

Have you ever used a bullet journal, habit tracker or any type of journalling before? Did you lose motivation for it? Are there ‘easy on the self’ alternatives? I’d love to get your help.

xx Coco

5 Hard truths about moving abroad

Deep ✨, Expat/travel 🌍

It’s been eight months since my husband and I moved from The Netherlands to Dallas, Texas. We’re pretty lucky to go through this together, and the whole experience has been amazing so far. We didn’t run into any major problems or issues, and yet – life is pretty hard. There are some undeniably hard things about moving abroad that you can’t really work your way around. And most of them are surprisingly NOT practical things. Here’s five truths that I found since moving abroad.

1. Your solid foundation is instantly gone

We didn’t realize this before, but back in The Netherlands we had built a very solid base in our lives. You basically spend your whole life learning about a place, how everything works, and who you are in that place. You build friendships, relationships, habits, a career and a home. Moving abroad instantly makes the years and years of building disappear. And this is not something you can really prepare for, as you’ve always automatically had that base.

I’m not saying the foundation is shaken up a little bit or a little bit less stable, no: it’s completely gone. Especially if you move to another continent like we did. Everything is different, you have to figure out how everything works all over again. You have basically have to start from zero, and that makes me feel like I’m 18 again. Not only have I lost everything I knew and had gotten used to – I also lost who I was in that place. I basically have to reinvent my life and myself all over again.

2. Small moments of contact are the new normal

We travel back to The Netherlands every three months (on average), and try to see as many people as possible during those visits. However, spending only a few hours a year with your friends is not enough, or at least it doesn’t feel like it. It’s very hard on me to leave my friends and family again after only a few moments of quality time. And you can feel that this changes some of the relationships.

So online contact between those visits is key. In order to stay up to date on each others life and still invest time and energy, texting and (video)calling have become an important part of these relationships. Not everyone is good at planning this and keeping up with it, but the people who care about you will try and make that effort. Small things like checking in on health situations or sending a gift on birthdays have become more special and meaningful. Since there’s not a lot of real life contact, the small (online) moments are now crucial in still feeling close, validated and valued.

3. You will find out who actually cares

Since moving abroad did not only change your life, but also the lives of all your relationships back home, you will see that it also takes some adjustments on your friends and family’s part. Not everyone is capable of making the necessary changes, and this doesn’t have to be a big deal. For example, someone who is a little bit older and not good with technology, or someone that doesn’t fully get the differences in time zones etc. will need more effort and initiative on your part to keep in contact in order to still have good relationship.

However, you will see that there are also some people who are perfectly capable of reaching out, but just don’t feel like it’s important enough or don’t prioritize finding the time for it. This is how you lose some friends after moving abroad. Luckily, many of my friends check in on my at least weekly, and tell me they miss me and want to catch up. Only a few people somehow seem to think ‘out of sight, out of mind’ or might feel some resentment in the way that they feel like I should take all the initiative, because I am the one who moved away. This is a sad unfolding of the relationship, but there’s not really something you can do about it. Take comfort in knowing that the people who do care, will always be there – even if you’re on the other side of the world!

4. You will never feel truly ‘at home’ again

If everything works out for you, it won’t take you too much time to feel at home in your new country. We felt like Dallas was our new home pretty quickly because we liked it so much, but it took us about six months to feel ‘homey’ in our new house, and to have figured out enough of our surroundings to feel comfortable and safe here. However, with that really nice ‘at home’ feeling came the realization that The Netherlands will never fully feel like home again – or at least not our only one. If we ever move back or move somewhere else, we will always miss a part of Dallas, just like we miss a part of The Netherlands right now.

While we suddenly appreciate things in The Netherlands that we didn’t even notice before, we also now see where The Netherlands kind of screws up because Texas does these things better. There’s pro’s and cons to every place, and while we were rationally aware of that fact, living this truth and still loving both these places adds a new depth to what you call ‘home’.

There’s a cruel paradox in seeing more of the world and allowing new places to capture your heart – as you will realize that there is no way to be in all the places you love at once, and there is no true home anymore. This is also true for the new foundation we are creating here: our house, our friends, our identity – eventually we will have to give it up, just like we did with our life in The Netherlands. Luckily, we can find that at home feeling in each other, so I guess we find comfort in the words ‘home is where the heart is’.

5. No one really knows what you’re going through

Luckily for us, we are still in good contact with our ‘old’ friends, and made new ones right away. And while this helps with not feeling super lonely and getting adjusted to a new place, no one really gets what we’re going through right now (apart from other expats maybe).

Our old friends don’t fully get what the USA or Texas is like, no matter how many stories we tell or videos we make. Even the ones that do visit us can’t fully understand what feels like to live here, to have your whole life in this place – to have to get accustomed to the culture and the rules – because they will go home in a few days and live their life like it always was. And our new friends don’t fully get why we are who we are, and what made us us. Because they don’t know anything about the Netherlands, our culture or our worldview. They weren’t there when the important parts of life happened that shaped us, and they will never fully understand our way of thinking – just like we will never fully comprehend theirs – because we grew up in completely different parts of the world.

But thing that makes me feel the most alone and frustrated sometimes, is the fact that none of our friends (old or new) can fully grasp what moving abroad feels like, how scary, complicated and lonely it can be – even if we are super happy and live a life younger me could only dream of. We will never be able to explain how the nitty gritty details of this country can sometimes shake us to our core, because our old friends are still comfortable at home and can’t really imagine having to compromise their solid foundation, and the new ones are so used to the shit that sometimes truly is Texas (or ‘Murica) that they don’t recognize it as shit anymore.

Now there are also a lot of things that are super fun, exciting, surprisingly easy and breezy about moving abroad, but I don’t think that’s interesting to get into here. These are the ones I wanted to share with you today, because even if you can’t really prepare for any of these things or feelings, it helps me to get them off my chest and maybe bring you some clarity on what moving continents is really like. As always, I do feel a need to assure you that I’m fine and happy here, because I do realize that my posts have gotten pretty dark lately. This is only because I use this platform as an outlet, and life just happens to be pretty hard sometimes – even when I love it and wouldn’t change a thing.

Happy December everyone!

xx Coco

Tuesdays with Coco

Deep ✨

I’m turning 31 this weekend. And while I know I am still fairly young, I can’t help but fall into the trap of fearing the aging process. So when Mitch Albom talks about Morrie Schwartz’ perspective on aging, my heart makes a little jump.

In a society that is obsessed with youth and despises aging, I always want to remember his words: Why would I envy where younger people are? I’ve already been where they are, I’ve done what they do – and so much more than that!

Because Morrie already knew what I’m starting to learn. That growing older is a blessing. It doesn’t only add years to your life, but also meaning, valuable lessons, and a lot of wisdom. And within that lies so much more beauty and fulfillment than a tight skin or luscious thick hair can ever bring you. And still, it’s hard to grasp how an old, dying man didn’t even envy his younger questioner one bit.

Tuesdays with Morrie sure one of those books that has been on my tbr list for a few years now, and probably will be on there much longer. As you may know, I’m not much of a reader (no matter how hard I try to be) and I’m still waiting for the day I grow old and dying enough to grow the patience for it.

But thanks to podcasts (yes I love being a basic bitch millennial), I’ve learned enough about Morrie to be inspired by his last dying days nonetheless. I especially love his words ‘When you get where I am, and you will….’, because it so bluntly tells us what we all know but don’t want to hear: that we are all aging, that we will all die, and that we will all have our very last days one day, whether we see them coming or not.

So I like to try and learn from where he was, because I know I will get there too, and see them coming. Try to cherish the aging process, try to celebrate every year that was not my last. I don’t want to look at younger women for the rest of my life, wishing that I looked more like them.

Society desires youth, but to copy that behavior seems almost insane after listening to Morrie’s last lessons for life. Because when you get where he was, and you will, you will see that youthful looks don’t matter. You’ve already been where they are, and you have done what they do. And so much more! Happy re-birth day to me.

Xx Coco

What is Spiritual anxiety?

Deep ✨

Last week I was on my daily walk and suddenly started feeling really light-headed. It didn’t feel like I was going to faint, but it have that low blood-sugar (even though I ate enough food before) or ‘Am I dreaming?’ feeling. The feeling of getting pulled out of my body caused anxiety. I almost never go full panic attack and I know that – so I was fine. But I had to read into what was happening to me.

Because the feeling was caused by an existential realization. Right before the anxiety, I realized that I was in the world, that life was so big and daunting, and that I was alive. Overall I always experience these existential realizations as positive. As someone who feels like she chose to be here, I always enjoy these thoughts as they are proof for me that I am doing the ‘human being’ and ‘living on earth’ thing somewhat rightly. And bonus: because of my insanely self-conscious/helicopter worldview, I get to realize it as well.

Pulled out

But this was the first time that these realizations caused negatieve, anxious feelings. It’s like realizing you’re in the Matrix because someone is trying to pull you out. It’s like feeling connected to your soul because you’re disconnected from the body. Suddenly, my spiritual awakening had a dark side. And I started fighting to stay IN the Matrix. I was struggling to stay IN my body. And I was trying so hard to keep my eyes closed, because the enlightenment was suddenly blinding.

It’s hard to explain what I was afraid of. I’ve been very open to any kind of spiritual experience for years now. I’m not afraid to consider alternative lives, look into the meta-verse, or even see other-worldly beings in other dimensions. I’m not saying I strongly believe in all these things – but I’m open to it. So I wouldn’t say the unknown (near-) future was the thing that freaked me out.

See the grid

Instead, it was the out-of-body feeling itself that was terrifying. Since we moved to the USA, I’ve been trying really hard to do this ‘being a human living on planet earth’ thing. Moving continents is hard, so I’ve been focussing on what we call reality instead of meta-verse things, simply because my body had to learn to survive in this new habitat. Moving throws you back into the more basic parts of life: Where do I get my food? How to I sleep in this new bed? How do I make sense of everything and everyone here?

However, the spiritual and existential realizations on that walk that morning, cold turkey pulled me out of this reality. This American Disneyland. This ‘being human on planet earth’-thing. I have no words to explain it other than that for a few seconds, it pulled me out of the Matrix, and ‘I could see the grid’. I have always known this, and I have seen it multiple times, but this was the first time that it was unwanted and unplanned. Life itself completely baffled me.

Definitions

When I started Googling, I (thank God) found some people who could explain what was going on. This is also how I found the terms spiritual anxiety and anxiety after enlightenment. I found a definition online that you may or may not agree with:

“Anxiety on a cosmic level, an existential anxiety about our place in the universe.”

I also found that someone on a forum asked: ‘Why does enlightenment seem to increase my anxiety?’ and someone else answered: It’s not weird that the mind-body is a little shaken from spiritual experiences. You’re entering a whole new reality – you just have to get used to it.

And I’m not sure that that is settling – having to get used to it. But it sure does feel nice to see that I’m not alone.

xx Coco

Why I don’t work

Deep ✨

In order to move to Dallas, I had to quit my job for in The Netherlands. I worked for the local government of Rotterdam as an Ethics & Integrity advisor. And while I liked my job (for a job), I didn’t mind quitting in order to move to Dallas and start Youtube. Life can actually be very fulfilling without working.

Now, I know many people have to work to make a living, and I’m not trying to romanticize not working. But what stands out to me is how many people in The Netherlands somehow think that I must be really miserable or bored since I don’t have a 9 to 5 job here in Dallas. While fact of the matter is, I could get a job here. But I don’t want to and I don’t have to.

And no one here in Texas has asked me the same questions that Dutch people have. ‘What are you doing all day?’, ‘You probably sit at home all day’ (and no, that’s not a question, I know) and ‘Don’t you want to be part of society?’. The people here somehow seem to understand a little more why I don’t work, and even say that they probably wouldn’t work either (or less) if they could. And yet, I feel like I have to explain myself. So here we go.

First of all, I don’t feel unproductive, useless or lazy because I invest a lot of time and effort into my Youtube channel. Posting two (somewhat good quality) videos a week takes a lot more than most people seem to think, and it actually fills about 20 hours of my week filming, editing, and everything around it (i.e. Instagram, analysis, making thumbnails, etc.). So I would actually say I do have a – yet for now unpaid – job, it’s just a part-time one. Oh and of course I take care of our household too.

Second of all, I don’t feel like I’m less a part of society than anyone who works fulltime. I get how they might feel more like a part of something, but honestly there are a lot of jobs that contribute as much or even less to society than a Youtuber does (as long as people are watching..). Moreover, there are lots of ways to contribute and be a part of society other than your job: the way you care for and influence others, investing in relationships, charity, blogging (haha) and quite frankly, I still pay taxes.

And whenever someone truly thinks that I must feel bored or useless, honestly I just feel sad for them. If you really think your life has no meaning without your job, if you would truly not know how to spend your time unless you’re working 40 hours a week – that’s what I truly call poverty. They might make more money than I do, but I get all those extra hours to live life. Think about all the things you do on your weekends, your holidays, or what hobbies you would pick up, things you would like to learn if you didn’t have to work. Well, that’s what my life is like. (And I do realize how privileged that is.)

In The Netherlands, we have a culture of taking care of ourselves and working hard. Many people don’t like to take loans or financial aid, or look down upon people who do. We encourage women to build careers and be financially stable, even (or maybe especially) when they are in a relationship or get married (we are also big on prenups). And while I think it is simply smart to have a plan and be financially stable just in case your relationship does fail (or other things happen in life), I don’t 100% agree with judging women who decide to make different choices than the Dutch status quo tell us to. I am being smart, I do have a plan B, C and even D, but I don’t think that has to look like working fulltime for the rest of your life just in case something happens. And honestly, I kind of hate how many women don’t really have a choice – as in most cases, they need two salaries to get by.

One last thing I would like to say is that my inner world is very colorful, deep and spiritual, which is probably why I love this life so much. I have never been competitive (even though I work really hard for things I truly want) and I have never dreamt of a big successful career or climbing some corporate ladder. My passions simply lay elsewhere. I have watched the rat race from a distance since I was very young, which I think is one of the reasons why I studied philosophy, and am very thankful and humble about the fact that I get to escape it.

XX Coco

My distorted self-image

Deep ✨

Moving to a new country does lots of things to your daily life. But what I didn’t expect it to do was to change the way I look at myself – not only who I am and my capabilities, but especially my looks. Yes: I am 30 years old and suddenly have the self-confidence of an 18 year-old. Let me tell you what happened.

Southern focus on looks

Dallas is notorious for having inhabitants that focus a lot on their outward appearance. Many people do facials, plastic surgery and have the fake nails and lashes. They also often care about designer clothes and having their hair and make-up done pretty glamorously.

And even though I love how people here dress up and make actually an effort (contrary to The Netherlands) this did make me a little less nonchalant about the way I look, and how I feel like I fit in society. I put a lot of effort in now, and with higher hopes automatically comes a higher risk of failure.

Psychological twist

But what really doesn’t help is that somehow suddenly my brain is only focused on those people I described here. There are a lot of normal-looking people in Dallas. There are a lot of people who don’t have the time or f*cks to give to care a lot about their appearance. There are even more people who don’t have the money to invest a lot into their looks. But somehow, my brain does not register these people. I automatically filter these ‘average’ people out, and only see the very good looking people, because those are the wants I want to compare myself with.

I think this is something a human brain does when you move to another country or even continent. It is human to want to fit in, to compare yourself to others, and see how you relate to society. And it doesn’t help that the only people I am comparing myself to, are people I only see in public or on social media.

Compare to reality

Because this is a very unfair comparison. I don’t know these people, so I don’t know how much time and money it costs them to look like this. I don’t know what they look like without make up, waking up in the morning with a hangover. I haven’t seen them at their worst. But I do know my my worst looks like. So in a way, I am comparing my worst, with their best. And that’s simply disastrous for the ego.

This is also why in The Netherlands, I feel a lot more secure and confident. I have my friends and family there, so I much more compare myself (or measure myself up to) ‘my crowd’. And these are people I know through and through, who I’ve seen without make up, crying, with a hangover, in the absolute worst hours of their lives. And I fit right in there with them!

Add an unhealthy dosis of perfectionism to the mix and you get what most rational people would simply call a purely poisonous mindset. I am so hard on myself that I say and think things about myself that I would never say about my friends. And the worst thing is: no one else really cares what I look like. I’m literally my own worst enemy.

But hey, I’m working on it. Life outside of everything you know comes with weird plot twists I guess. I will practice talking a little bit more kind to my own reflection. And always remember: don’t compare yourself with people you don’t even know!

xx Coco

Why I stopped (bullet)journalling and goal setting

Deep ✨, Lifestyle 🏃🏼‍♀️

I know, I know. I’ve been the biggest advocate of journalling and goal setting since the start of my blog. And it truly worked for me and the phase of life I was in. I reached 90% of all my goals without too much effort and completely changed my life and mindset around. But other seasons have come, and journalling became harder and harder. It actually completely died on me. And that’s fine.

I need to do better

Because a large part of the reason why I wanted to reflect and set goals in the past few months came from a negative place. It hasn’t always been this way – my bullet journal used to be a tool living in that sweet spot between being completely happy with who you are, while acknowledging that there are things to do better. But it became more and more negative the longer I reflected and set goals. It became negative. It started coming from a mindset of ‘I’m not good enough so I have to be better’ and ‘I’m not developing unless I set goals’.

So the goals became routine, reaching them became boring, and not reaching them started to feel like utter failure. I can’t really tell why it lost its magic, and I hate to say it but the only thing I can come up with is this: I learned the trick, the trick became old, it lost its sparkle – so I started seeing right through it.

See, I once was addicted to the feeling I got when I worked on goals and reached them. I was high on the monthly reflections, seeing what I did better than before, checking off the boxes I set. But like any addiction you get used to the feeling, and you start to need more in order to be satisfied. For me that looked like more goals, higher goals, in less time.

But that doesn’t really work: life also happens, and there is only so much effort you can put in. Not any goal is reachable if you set the bar too high. And I started getting either unfulfilled, or really, really bored. And on top of that I lost the ability to dream: if it was not a goal I was actually going to work towards, it didn’t deserve to be in my mind. Where’s the fun in that?

The magic lost

Because you see, that sweet spot of loving who you are, but continuously setting goals to be better only really works long term for people who aren’t smart enough to really self-reflect. No offense there, but the smart guy honestly just watches himself from a distance: writing in his bullet journal day by day, trying to stay in the sweet spot and thinking – what the hell am I doing there? And what am I going to do there the rest of my life? Setting bigger and bigger goals until I break OR become a god?

The point is, you can’t because the dopamine wears off. You remember the good feeling you had when you reached your first 10 to 50 goals, but then it just becomes repetitional. You trick yourself into thinking that it feels good but it doesn’t anymore. Because again, the smart guy knows that feelings are just feelings. The smart guy knows that the feeling you learned to enforce was just chemicals in the brain, and now the chemicals ran out.

So they know that goal-reaching is never exponential. Honestly, it can’t be. The line of life is pretty flat or maybe a little bit linear, with some ups and downs sure, but there is no ‘superhuman’ state we can accomplish. And we don’t have to. Because the normal functioning human being already learns and teaches themself, already develops and continuously grows as a person. That’s part of being human.

The human condition

And I’m not saying I don’t want to dream, reach for things or accomplish goals. We need to have goals as humans, that’s part of our biology (more on that here). I’m just saying I don’t need a journal or morning routine for that anymore. I’m tired of treating myself and my life as a program or machine that needs to perform constantly, and therefore needs monthly check-ups or upgrades. So I think I’m going to get rid of the ‘super’ and just be -human for a while.

The magic is not in the feeling of reaching goals. The magic is not the dopamine I got from trying to better than anyone else, or outperforming myself. The magic was in life itself and being human all along. Or as RuPaul says:

Smart or sensitive people can get bitter when they find out that nothing is what it seems, when things lose their magic. Yes, life is an illusion, but don’t stay there – don’t play along. There’s a step beyond it. Life is an illusion – so let’s party.

Don’t take yourself so seriously. I’m learning to just be – and dream. Gosh, I missed just dreaming.

xx Coco

How I lost myself in the US

Deep ✨, Expat/travel 🌍

When we moved to Dallas, I was not scared of forgetting who I was. I’ve been on a spiritual and self-development journey for years now, so it never crossed my mind that this move would be hard on my self image. I always knew it was going to be hard emotionally, physically and socially. But in the core, I know who I am. And I will always be fine, at any place, right? RIGHT?!

I guess I underestimated how much of an effect leaving my job, friends, family and pretty much everything familiar would have. And now I’m writing it down it feels like ‘duh, what else did you think?!’. But I actually thought that everything would be fine. That I’d always be fine. And I am.

But trying to make it as a Youtuber, adjusting to the Texan people and lifestyle, while staying true to myself and knowing my worth is harder than I thought. I know I’m trying to do a job that is wayyy out of my comfort zone at the same time. (Because no – Youtube is NOT easy. At all.) And while it’s only human to want to fit in with the locals, let me explain why the American culture makes it hard.

Fakeness

Many people in Dallas have done plastic surgery, or at least botox and fillers. Many do expensive facials pretty frequently and have lash extensions, and pretty much all women have the long fake nails. And while I’m into beauty and taking care of my looks, I’m not into one of all those things. I don’t want to fall into the trap of spending a lot of money on looks while real beauty (and worth) is on the inside.

But it is really hard to try and do a job that focusses to much on your exterior (I mean, I am basically either filming or film-editing my own face all day every day) as a ‘natural’ 30-year old, while so many other girls in the business are in their twenties AND had a lot of work done. I’m truly trying to embrace my eye bags, starting wrinkles and not-so-plump lips, but that’s kind of a challenge when I don’t see anyone else (I admire) who also had them!

And this fakeness translates into conversations as well as looks. Americans seem very used to pretending to be more than they are. Showing what they have in hopes it assumes that they have even more. Many people spend all their money on luxuries while not even having savings or back-up plans. They are good at pluffing up a whole lot of nothing to fit in. Which I guess brings me to the next point.

What is succes?

Second of all, success is a really weird standard here in the USA. I guess it has something to do with the American dream, but it feels like I have found two ‘American truths’ so far that everyone is trying to live by. The first: You should be successful. Life is only worth living if you’re successful. You’re succes is in your own hands so why aren’t you successful? The second: Succes equals money and looks, okay. Nothing else.

And on one hand I admire the simpleness of that American way of living. At least we are all trying to work hard for our money and be pretty and healthy, right? But the downside to this is I guess what we more generally relate to the human condition. I mean: What’s up with happiness? Where does worthiness ‘no matter what you do or don’t do’ fit in? And what if I tried really hard to build a life where I can be ugly and lazy? Would that not count as succesful?

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I miss some individualistic diversity here. In Europe (or at least the Netherlands) we care a lot more about what YOU like to be and do, even if it’s not what I like to be and do. We care about your wellbeing, we care about your individual dreams. If you don’t want to make a lot of money, fine! If you want to sit on your ass and be fat, great! You do you. And if your life fits what you personally would describe as success, you’ve made it. Congratulations. Even if that means you’re not rich and pretty. And I miss that here.

You’re bound to fail

Last but not least, somehow all the systems here seem to be built on the large chance that you’ll fail. They are built on people’s ignorance, their inabilities, the great chances of the odds not being in their favor. The whole money system is built on the idea of loans and debts. The craziest part is: the ones with the most debt (while paying them all in time) have the most money to spend. The whole job system is built on the premise that you can be fired today if you do anything wrong at all.

The ideal is to make it as a successful and pretty person, and this is everybody’s drive to stay focused and work hard, while only 1% of humanity can actually live that life. The irony is that if 99% of the American people wouldn’t fail the way they are set up to (by having a lot of debt, losing their job quickly, or simply not having the privileges, etc.) the 1% could never be that rich OR pretty! The people that we all aspire to be, are the people that need that large group of ‘losers’ the most. Society is build by and for the rich and pretty, but is run and kept alive by the people who could never make it in.

And while I (being Dutch) can only observe this whole theater from a distance, and enjoy it on the moment the odds are in my favor – because, I am, one of the privileged people, I do realize – it weighs on me to see society work this way. I feel that it is built on the premise that I will fail. I feel that others are failing because of it.

How I will find myself again

I know that I am a Scorpio and I will have a rebirth very soon. I don’t even have to try and make that happen – it’s in my DNA to always transform and undergo whatever life throws at me. I can cry in the light and I can smile at darkness. Because in the hardship of life is where magic happens for me.

And I am kind of learning to be okay with not always knowing who I am, and not always fitting in. A lot of spiritual leaders would actually be very proud if they saw how fulfilled I am in this black box I now call my identity. In some ways, I identify with the American people. Because apart from what I painted above, they are very kind, empathetic, enthusiastic people with a true passion for life and pulling each other up. In other ways, I don’t relate to their way of living at all.

So I guess that makes for the sweet spot I’m living in today. I still have the morals and values that I had in the Netherlands, while learning from the perks the USA has to offer. And I’m not done learning from this country yet!

xx Coco

The things that remind me of ✨ in Texas

Deep ✨, Expat/travel 🌍

We’re a month in since moving to Dallas, TX. And though I feel like I’ve been in survival mode for the past few weeks (which is also why it took me so long to write a new blog), I do feel like there has been some spiritual elements in my life. I have not actively looked for them, so most of them came from the environment of Texas itself. Because, as weird as this may sound to many of you: I find the Texan grounds to be highly, highly magical. Let me explain.

The weather

The first thing that makes me feel so good here is the weather. Although Texas does have cold (but luckily short) winters, we arrived at the beginning of summer so are in for some HEAT. The sun almost always shines when I wake up, and that puts me in the best mood.

But even better are the consequences of this heat: the smell of summer from the moment you wake up, the heat rays on the roads, the exotic plants and animals that can live here – and the constant reminder that once this land was inhabited by natives only.

The animals

Because of these exotic temperatures, the animals that live in Texas are of course way different from the ones we have in The Netherlands. And I’m not saying that the animals are more sacred here (because all animals are), but somehow these new breeds of everything remind me of how special and magical all these creatures are.

For example, we have birds that look like crows here, except they make a tropical parrot-like noise, have long tails and their feathers have a blue or brown glow (depends on the gender I think?) when they catch the sun. So amazing! I also see dogs, squirrels, hawks and turtles super often.

The kindness

Southern hospitality is a real thing. I don’t know whether it’s the amount of sun Texans get that puts EVERYBODY in a great mood, but the people here are just so. Nice. I was expecting a shallow kind of nice – the American way of asking how are you without waiting for the actual answer. But I have seen a sincerity and authenticity here that I don’t get from many Dutch people back home.

So many people welcome us to the USA and Texas. People I don’t even know have commented on my bravery to move here and start a Youtube channel (which by the way, you can subscribe to here). And I love it! Of course, there is also a real talent for bragging and blowing things up here, but the kindness of so many people here has really humbled me in the past few weeks.

The living on the edge

And last but not least, Texans have a way of living on the edge. When I expected to love some elements of living here, I was expecting myself to add ‘despite the cowboy-culture, unsafe traffic and social/political issues’. And of course, I still struggle accepting and watching these issues everyday. I wish Texas took better care of its lower classes, had safer roads and cared more for human rights (in the most general sense of the word).

But all these downsides are starting to feel like the flip side of all that makes Texas so beautiful. Somehow it seems to me that the raw and risky way people live their lives here is so much more REAL than trying to minimize all possible negativities in life. In some probably messed-up way, Cowboy-culture seems a lot more alive to me than maximized security and (seemingly) risk-free living.

I guess what I’m trying to say is: in Texas, there are less rules, less security, less governmental interference, and less (limiting) social norms than what I’m used to. And this creates a vibe of endless chances, freedom, living on the edge and taking (and applauding!) new possibilities.

I guess we’ve landed in a pretty good place. It’s hard not to love Texas! Have a great day,

xx Coco

Life is NOT supposed to be comfortable

Deep ✨

As some of you know, I am moving to Dallas, Texas next month. While I am currently pretty excited, I could also be really scared and uncomfortable to leave my safe home in the Netherlands and start a new adventure. So why aren’t I?

Why choose the unknown?!

I have talked about this subject with many friends and family, of course. And while many of them reacted very positive and called this a new adventure for us, some were also quite wary, or didn’t understand why we would choose to turn our comfortable life around for something unknown.

And of course, with a big life change like this one, you can expect the usual struggles. For example, I already know that there are going to be moments where I really miss my friends and family, get really annoyed with American things I probably will never understand, or just feel a plain regret for even moving there in the first place.

But right now, my main mindset about these moments is: they too shall pass. And life isn’t supposed to be comfortable a 100% of the time.

It makes us grow

Because stepping out of our comfort zone, taking chances, and sometimes even being blatantly unhappy makes us grow. These are probably the moments that will make me say ‘I’m so glad we did this’ in the future. Life is supposed to be hard sometimes. And this is no reason to refrain from making changes, or live the life that excites you.

Sometimes I feel like we are used to avoiding pain and discomfort, because we are so used to having the illusion of control. For example, I could stay in the Netherland because I am not willing to take the risk of being unhappy with my decision of moving abroad. But who says life here will stay safe and comfortable? I can become perfectly miserable at home as well! And even then: sometimes life is sitting in your sadness, crying it out, without trying to ‘fix’ it as quickly as possible.

I get it: it doesn’t feel nice. But life isn’t supposed to feel nice all the time. Life sometimes is supposed to feel really, really, shitty. And allowing it to feel that way.

Certain can be shit too

The idea of knowing what we have, but being uncertain about what we could gain is completely false. Or at least – only the second part is true. We indeed don’t know what we could gain by taking chances, but the bright side is: you will know after you try. However, we don’t what we have if we stay the same. Because we can stay the same, but life simply doesn’t.

The reasons you are so happy and comfortable with your current life can change in a heartbeat. What if that colleague you are so close with finds another job? What if your dream home has underlying flaws? I don’t want to scare you, but shit happens all the time in your life too. The main point of your happiness is how you deal with the highs and lows of life itself.

And small reminder: they can be dealt with literally in any place, anywhere, at any time.

xx Coco