What is Spiritual anxiety?

Deep ✨

Last week I was on my daily walk and suddenly started feeling really light-headed. It didn’t feel like I was going to faint, but it have that low blood-sugar (even though I ate enough food before) or ‘Am I dreaming?’ feeling. The feeling of getting pulled out of my body caused anxiety. I almost never go full panic attack and I know that – so I was fine. But I had to read into what was happening to me.

Because the feeling was caused by an existential realization. Right before the anxiety, I realized that I was in the world, that life was so big and daunting, and that I was alive. Overall I always experience these existential realizations as positive. As someone who feels like she chose to be here, I always enjoy these thoughts as they are proof for me that I am doing the ‘human being’ and ‘living on earth’ thing somewhat rightly. And bonus: because of my insanely self-conscious/helicopter worldview, I get to realize it as well.

Pulled out

But this was the first time that these realizations caused negatieve, anxious feelings. It’s like realizing you’re in the Matrix because someone is trying to pull you out. It’s like feeling connected to your soul because you’re disconnected from the body. Suddenly, my spiritual awakening had a dark side. And I started fighting to stay IN the Matrix. I was struggling to stay IN my body. And I was trying so hard to keep my eyes closed, because the enlightenment was suddenly blinding.

It’s hard to explain what I was afraid of. I’ve been very open to any kind of spiritual experience for years now. I’m not afraid to consider alternative lives, look into the meta-verse, or even see other-worldly beings in other dimensions. I’m not saying I strongly believe in all these things – but I’m open to it. So I wouldn’t say the unknown (near-) future was the thing that freaked me out.

See the grid

Instead, it was the out-of-body feeling itself that was terrifying. Since we moved to the USA, I’ve been trying really hard to do this ‘being a human living on planet earth’ thing. Moving continents is hard, so I’ve been focussing on what we call reality instead of meta-verse things, simply because my body had to learn to survive in this new habitat. Moving throws you back into the more basic parts of life: Where do I get my food? How to I sleep in this new bed? How do I make sense of everything and everyone here?

However, the spiritual and existential realizations on that walk that morning, cold turkey pulled me out of this reality. This American Disneyland. This ‘being human on planet earth’-thing. I have no words to explain it other than that for a few seconds, it pulled me out of the Matrix, and ‘I could see the grid’. I have always known this, and I have seen it multiple times, but this was the first time that it was unwanted and unplanned. Life itself completely baffled me.

Definitions

When I started Googling, I (thank God) found some people who could explain what was going on. This is also how I found the terms spiritual anxiety and anxiety after enlightenment. I found a definition online that you may or may not agree with:

“Anxiety on a cosmic level, an existential anxiety about our place in the universe.”

I also found that someone on a forum asked: ‘Why does enlightenment seem to increase my anxiety?’ and someone else answered: It’s not weird that the mind-body is a little shaken from spiritual experiences. You’re entering a whole new reality – you just have to get used to it.

And I’m not sure that that is settling – having to get used to it. But it sure does feel nice to see that I’m not alone.

xx Coco

Why I don’t work

Deep ✨

In order to move to Dallas, I had to quit my job for in The Netherlands. I worked for the local government of Rotterdam as an Ethics & Integrity advisor. And while I liked my job (for a job), I didn’t mind quitting in order to move to Dallas and start Youtube. Life can actually be very fulfilling without working.

Now, I know many people have to work to make a living, and I’m not trying to romanticize not working. But what stands out to me is how many people in The Netherlands somehow think that I must be really miserable or bored since I don’t have a 9 to 5 job here in Dallas. While fact of the matter is, I could get a job here. But I don’t want to and I don’t have to.

And no one here in Texas has asked me the same questions that Dutch people have. ‘What are you doing all day?’, ‘You probably sit at home all day’ (and no, that’s not a question, I know) and ‘Don’t you want to be part of society?’. The people here somehow seem to understand a little more why I don’t work, and even say that they probably wouldn’t work either (or less) if they could. And yet, I feel like I have to explain myself. So here we go.

First of all, I don’t feel unproductive, useless or lazy because I invest a lot of time and effort into my Youtube channel. Posting two (somewhat good quality) videos a week takes a lot more than most people seem to think, and it actually fills about 20 hours of my week filming, editing, and everything around it (i.e. Instagram, analysis, making thumbnails, etc.). So I would actually say I do have a – yet for now unpaid – job, it’s just a part-time one. Oh and of course I take care of our household too.

Second of all, I don’t feel like I’m less a part of society than anyone who works fulltime. I get how they might feel more like a part of something, but honestly there are a lot of jobs that contribute as much or even less to society than a Youtuber does (as long as people are watching..). Moreover, there are lots of ways to contribute and be a part of society other than your job: the way you care for and influence others, investing in relationships, charity, blogging (haha) and quite frankly, I still pay taxes.

And whenever someone truly thinks that I must feel bored or useless, honestly I just feel sad for them. If you really think your life has no meaning without your job, if you would truly not know how to spend your time unless you’re working 40 hours a week – that’s what I truly call poverty. They might make more money than I do, but I get all those extra hours to live life. Think about all the things you do on your weekends, your holidays, or what hobbies you would pick up, things you would like to learn if you didn’t have to work. Well, that’s what my life is like. (And I do realize how privileged that is.)

In The Netherlands, we have a culture of taking care of ourselves and working hard. Many people don’t like to take loans or financial aid, or look down upon people who do. We encourage women to build careers and be financially stable, even (or maybe especially) when they are in a relationship or get married (we are also big on prenups). And while I think it is simply smart to have a plan and be financially stable just in case your relationship does fail (or other things happen in life), I don’t 100% agree with judging women who decide to make different choices than the Dutch status quo tell us to. I am being smart, I do have a plan B, C and even D, but I don’t think that has to look like working fulltime for the rest of your life just in case something happens. And honestly, I kind of hate how many women don’t really have a choice – as in most cases, they need two salaries to get by.

One last thing I would like to say is that my inner world is very colorful, deep and spiritual, which is probably why I love this life so much. I have never been competitive (even though I work really hard for things I truly want) and I have never dreamt of a big successful career or climbing some corporate ladder. My passions simply lay elsewhere. I have watched the rat race from a distance since I was very young, which I think is one of the reasons why I studied philosophy, and am very thankful and humble about the fact that I get to escape it.

XX Coco

My distorted self-image

Deep ✨

Moving to a new country does lots of things to your daily life. But what I didn’t expect it to do was to change the way I look at myself – not only who I am and my capabilities, but especially my looks. Yes: I am 30 years old and suddenly have the self-confidence of an 18 year-old. Let me tell you what happened.

Southern focus on looks

Dallas is notorious for having inhabitants that focus a lot on their outward appearance. Many people do facials, plastic surgery and have the fake nails and lashes. They also often care about designer clothes and having their hair and make-up done pretty glamorously.

And even though I love how people here dress up and make actually an effort (contrary to The Netherlands) this did make me a little less nonchalant about the way I look, and how I feel like I fit in society. I put a lot of effort in now, and with higher hopes automatically comes a higher risk of failure.

Psychological twist

But what really doesn’t help is that somehow suddenly my brain is only focused on those people I described here. There are a lot of normal-looking people in Dallas. There are a lot of people who don’t have the time or f*cks to give to care a lot about their appearance. There are even more people who don’t have the money to invest a lot into their looks. But somehow, my brain does not register these people. I automatically filter these ‘average’ people out, and only see the very good looking people, because those are the wants I want to compare myself with.

I think this is something a human brain does when you move to another country or even continent. It is human to want to fit in, to compare yourself to others, and see how you relate to society. And it doesn’t help that the only people I am comparing myself to, are people I only see in public or on social media.

Compare to reality

Because this is a very unfair comparison. I don’t know these people, so I don’t know how much time and money it costs them to look like this. I don’t know what they look like without make up, waking up in the morning with a hangover. I haven’t seen them at their worst. But I do know my my worst looks like. So in a way, I am comparing my worst, with their best. And that’s simply disastrous for the ego.

This is also why in The Netherlands, I feel a lot more secure and confident. I have my friends and family there, so I much more compare myself (or measure myself up to) ‘my crowd’. And these are people I know through and through, who I’ve seen without make up, crying, with a hangover, in the absolute worst hours of their lives. And I fit right in there with them!

Add an unhealthy dosis of perfectionism to the mix and you get what most rational people would simply call a purely poisonous mindset. I am so hard on myself that I say and think things about myself that I would never say about my friends. And the worst thing is: no one else really cares what I look like. I’m literally my own worst enemy.

But hey, I’m working on it. Life outside of everything you know comes with weird plot twists I guess. I will practice talking a little bit more kind to my own reflection. And always remember: don’t compare yourself with people you don’t even know!

xx Coco

Why I stopped (bullet)journalling and goal setting

Deep ✨, Lifestyle 🏃🏼‍♀️

I know, I know. I’ve been the biggest advocate of journalling and goal setting since the start of my blog. And it truly worked for me and the phase of life I was in. I reached 90% of all my goals without too much effort and completely changed my life and mindset around. But other seasons have come, and journalling became harder and harder. It actually completely died on me. And that’s fine.

I need to do better

Because a large part of the reason why I wanted to reflect and set goals in the past few months came from a negative place. It hasn’t always been this way – my bullet journal used to be a tool living in that sweet spot between being completely happy with who you are, while acknowledging that there are things to do better. But it became more and more negative the longer I reflected and set goals. It became negative. It started coming from a mindset of ‘I’m not good enough so I have to be better’ and ‘I’m not developing unless I set goals’.

So the goals became routine, reaching them became boring, and not reaching them started to feel like utter failure. I can’t really tell why it lost its magic, and I hate to say it but the only thing I can come up with is this: I learned the trick, the trick became old, it lost its sparkle – so I started seeing right through it.

See, I once was addicted to the feeling I got when I worked on goals and reached them. I was high on the monthly reflections, seeing what I did better than before, checking off the boxes I set. But like any addiction you get used to the feeling, and you start to need more in order to be satisfied. For me that looked like more goals, higher goals, in less time.

But that doesn’t really work: life also happens, and there is only so much effort you can put in. Not any goal is reachable if you set the bar too high. And I started getting either unfulfilled, or really, really bored. And on top of that I lost the ability to dream: if it was not a goal I was actually going to work towards, it didn’t deserve to be in my mind. Where’s the fun in that?

The magic lost

Because you see, that sweet spot of loving who you are, but continuously setting goals to be better only really works long term for people who aren’t smart enough to really self-reflect. No offense there, but the smart guy honestly just watches himself from a distance: writing in his bullet journal day by day, trying to stay in the sweet spot and thinking – what the hell am I doing there? And what am I going to do there the rest of my life? Setting bigger and bigger goals until I break OR become a god?

The point is, you can’t because the dopamine wears off. You remember the good feeling you had when you reached your first 10 to 50 goals, but then it just becomes repetitional. You trick yourself into thinking that it feels good but it doesn’t anymore. Because again, the smart guy knows that feelings are just feelings. The smart guy knows that the feeling you learned to enforce was just chemicals in the brain, and now the chemicals ran out.

So they know that goal-reaching is never exponential. Honestly, it can’t be. The line of life is pretty flat or maybe a little bit linear, with some ups and downs sure, but there is no ‘superhuman’ state we can accomplish. And we don’t have to. Because the normal functioning human being already learns and teaches themself, already develops and continuously grows as a person. That’s part of being human.

The human condition

And I’m not saying I don’t want to dream, reach for things or accomplish goals. We need to have goals as humans, that’s part of our biology (more on that here). I’m just saying I don’t need a journal or morning routine for that anymore. I’m tired of treating myself and my life as a program or machine that needs to perform constantly, and therefore needs monthly check-ups or upgrades. So I think I’m going to get rid of the ‘super’ and just be -human for a while.

The magic is not in the feeling of reaching goals. The magic is not the dopamine I got from trying to better than anyone else, or outperforming myself. The magic was in life itself and being human all along. Or as RuPaul says:

Smart or sensitive people can get bitter when they find out that nothing is what it seems, when things lose their magic. Yes, life is an illusion, but don’t stay there – don’t play along. There’s a step beyond it. Life is an illusion – so let’s party.

Don’t take yourself so seriously. I’m learning to just be – and dream. Gosh, I missed just dreaming.

xx Coco

How I lost myself in the US

Deep ✨, Expat/travel 🌍

When we moved to Dallas, I was not scared of forgetting who I was. I’ve been on a spiritual and self-development journey for years now, so it never crossed my mind that this move would be hard on my self image. I always knew it was going to be hard emotionally, physically and socially. But in the core, I know who I am. And I will always be fine, at any place, right? RIGHT?!

I guess I underestimated how much of an effect leaving my job, friends, family and pretty much everything familiar would have. And now I’m writing it down it feels like ‘duh, what else did you think?!’. But I actually thought that everything would be fine. That I’d always be fine. And I am.

But trying to make it as a Youtuber, adjusting to the Texan people and lifestyle, while staying true to myself and knowing my worth is harder than I thought. I know I’m trying to do a job that is wayyy out of my comfort zone at the same time. (Because no – Youtube is NOT easy. At all.) And while it’s only human to want to fit in with the locals, let me explain why the American culture makes it hard.

Fakeness

Many people in Dallas have done plastic surgery, or at least botox and fillers. Many do expensive facials pretty frequently and have lash extensions, and pretty much all women have the long fake nails. And while I’m into beauty and taking care of my looks, I’m not into one of all those things. I don’t want to fall into the trap of spending a lot of money on looks while real beauty (and worth) is on the inside.

But it is really hard to try and do a job that focusses to much on your exterior (I mean, I am basically either filming or film-editing my own face all day every day) as a ‘natural’ 30-year old, while so many other girls in the business are in their twenties AND had a lot of work done. I’m truly trying to embrace my eye bags, starting wrinkles and not-so-plump lips, but that’s kind of a challenge when I don’t see anyone else (I admire) who also had them!

And this fakeness translates into conversations as well as looks. Americans seem very used to pretending to be more than they are. Showing what they have in hopes it assumes that they have even more. Many people spend all their money on luxuries while not even having savings or back-up plans. They are good at pluffing up a whole lot of nothing to fit in. Which I guess brings me to the next point.

What is succes?

Second of all, success is a really weird standard here in the USA. I guess it has something to do with the American dream, but it feels like I have found two ‘American truths’ so far that everyone is trying to live by. The first: You should be successful. Life is only worth living if you’re successful. You’re succes is in your own hands so why aren’t you successful? The second: Succes equals money and looks, okay. Nothing else.

And on one hand I admire the simpleness of that American way of living. At least we are all trying to work hard for our money and be pretty and healthy, right? But the downside to this is I guess what we more generally relate to the human condition. I mean: What’s up with happiness? Where does worthiness ‘no matter what you do or don’t do’ fit in? And what if I tried really hard to build a life where I can be ugly and lazy? Would that not count as succesful?

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I miss some individualistic diversity here. In Europe (or at least the Netherlands) we care a lot more about what YOU like to be and do, even if it’s not what I like to be and do. We care about your wellbeing, we care about your individual dreams. If you don’t want to make a lot of money, fine! If you want to sit on your ass and be fat, great! You do you. And if your life fits what you personally would describe as success, you’ve made it. Congratulations. Even if that means you’re not rich and pretty. And I miss that here.

You’re bound to fail

Last but not least, somehow all the systems here seem to be built on the large chance that you’ll fail. They are built on people’s ignorance, their inabilities, the great chances of the odds not being in their favor. The whole money system is built on the idea of loans and debts. The craziest part is: the ones with the most debt (while paying them all in time) have the most money to spend. The whole job system is built on the premise that you can be fired today if you do anything wrong at all.

The ideal is to make it as a successful and pretty person, and this is everybody’s drive to stay focused and work hard, while only 1% of humanity can actually live that life. The irony is that if 99% of the American people wouldn’t fail the way they are set up to (by having a lot of debt, losing their job quickly, or simply not having the privileges, etc.) the 1% could never be that rich OR pretty! The people that we all aspire to be, are the people that need that large group of ‘losers’ the most. Society is build by and for the rich and pretty, but is run and kept alive by the people who could never make it in.

And while I (being Dutch) can only observe this whole theater from a distance, and enjoy it on the moment the odds are in my favor – because, I am, one of the privileged people, I do realize – it weighs on me to see society work this way. I feel that it is built on the premise that I will fail. I feel that others are failing because of it.

How I will find myself again

I know that I am a Scorpio and I will have a rebirth very soon. I don’t even have to try and make that happen – it’s in my DNA to always transform and undergo whatever life throws at me. I can cry in the light and I can smile at darkness. Because in the hardship of life is where magic happens for me.

And I am kind of learning to be okay with not always knowing who I am, and not always fitting in. A lot of spiritual leaders would actually be very proud if they saw how fulfilled I am in this black box I now call my identity. In some ways, I identify with the American people. Because apart from what I painted above, they are very kind, empathetic, enthusiastic people with a true passion for life and pulling each other up. In other ways, I don’t relate to their way of living at all.

So I guess that makes for the sweet spot I’m living in today. I still have the morals and values that I had in the Netherlands, while learning from the perks the USA has to offer. And I’m not done learning from this country yet!

xx Coco

The things that remind me of ✨ in Texas

Deep ✨, Expat/travel 🌍

We’re a month in since moving to Dallas, TX. And though I feel like I’ve been in survival mode for the past few weeks (which is also why it took me so long to write a new blog), I do feel like there has been some spiritual elements in my life. I have not actively looked for them, so most of them came from the environment of Texas itself. Because, as weird as this may sound to many of you: I find the Texan grounds to be highly, highly magical. Let me explain.

The weather

The first thing that makes me feel so good here is the weather. Although Texas does have cold (but luckily short) winters, we arrived at the beginning of summer so are in for some HEAT. The sun almost always shines when I wake up, and that puts me in the best mood.

But even better are the consequences of this heat: the smell of summer from the moment you wake up, the heat rays on the roads, the exotic plants and animals that can live here – and the constant reminder that once this land was inhabited by natives only.

The animals

Because of these exotic temperatures, the animals that live in Texas are of course way different from the ones we have in The Netherlands. And I’m not saying that the animals are more sacred here (because all animals are), but somehow these new breeds of everything remind me of how special and magical all these creatures are.

For example, we have birds that look like crows here, except they make a tropical parrot-like noise, have long tails and their feathers have a blue or brown glow (depends on the gender I think?) when they catch the sun. So amazing! I also see dogs, squirrels, hawks and turtles super often.

The kindness

Southern hospitality is a real thing. I don’t know whether it’s the amount of sun Texans get that puts EVERYBODY in a great mood, but the people here are just so. Nice. I was expecting a shallow kind of nice – the American way of asking how are you without waiting for the actual answer. But I have seen a sincerity and authenticity here that I don’t get from many Dutch people back home.

So many people welcome us to the USA and Texas. People I don’t even know have commented on my bravery to move here and start a Youtube channel (which by the way, you can subscribe to here). And I love it! Of course, there is also a real talent for bragging and blowing things up here, but the kindness of so many people here has really humbled me in the past few weeks.

The living on the edge

And last but not least, Texans have a way of living on the edge. When I expected to love some elements of living here, I was expecting myself to add ‘despite the cowboy-culture, unsafe traffic and social/political issues’. And of course, I still struggle accepting and watching these issues everyday. I wish Texas took better care of its lower classes, had safer roads and cared more for human rights (in the most general sense of the word).

But all these downsides are starting to feel like the flip side of all that makes Texas so beautiful. Somehow it seems to me that the raw and risky way people live their lives here is so much more REAL than trying to minimize all possible negativities in life. In some probably messed-up way, Cowboy-culture seems a lot more alive to me than maximized security and (seemingly) risk-free living.

I guess what I’m trying to say is: in Texas, there are less rules, less security, less governmental interference, and less (limiting) social norms than what I’m used to. And this creates a vibe of endless chances, freedom, living on the edge and taking (and applauding!) new possibilities.

I guess we’ve landed in a pretty good place. It’s hard not to love Texas! Have a great day,

xx Coco

Life is NOT supposed to be comfortable

Deep ✨

As some of you know, I am moving to Dallas, Texas next month. While I am currently pretty excited, I could also be really scared and uncomfortable to leave my safe home in the Netherlands and start a new adventure. So why aren’t I?

Why choose the unknown?!

I have talked about this subject with many friends and family, of course. And while many of them reacted very positive and called this a new adventure for us, some were also quite wary, or didn’t understand why we would choose to turn our comfortable life around for something unknown.

And of course, with a big life change like this one, you can expect the usual struggles. For example, I already know that there are going to be moments where I really miss my friends and family, get really annoyed with American things I probably will never understand, or just feel a plain regret for even moving there in the first place.

But right now, my main mindset about these moments is: they too shall pass. And life isn’t supposed to be comfortable a 100% of the time.

It makes us grow

Because stepping out of our comfort zone, taking chances, and sometimes even being blatantly unhappy makes us grow. These are probably the moments that will make me say ‘I’m so glad we did this’ in the future. Life is supposed to be hard sometimes. And this is no reason to refrain from making changes, or live the life that excites you.

Sometimes I feel like we are used to avoiding pain and discomfort, because we are so used to having the illusion of control. For example, I could stay in the Netherland because I am not willing to take the risk of being unhappy with my decision of moving abroad. But who says life here will stay safe and comfortable? I can become perfectly miserable at home as well! And even then: sometimes life is sitting in your sadness, crying it out, without trying to ‘fix’ it as quickly as possible.

I get it: it doesn’t feel nice. But life isn’t supposed to feel nice all the time. Life sometimes is supposed to feel really, really, shitty. And allowing it to feel that way.

Certain can be shit too

The idea of knowing what we have, but being uncertain about what we could gain is completely false. Or at least – only the second part is true. We indeed don’t know what we could gain by taking chances, but the bright side is: you will know after you try. However, we don’t what we have if we stay the same. Because we can stay the same, but life simply doesn’t.

The reasons you are so happy and comfortable with your current life can change in a heartbeat. What if that colleague you are so close with finds another job? What if your dream home has underlying flaws? I don’t want to scare you, but shit happens all the time in your life too. The main point of your happiness is how you deal with the highs and lows of life itself.

And small reminder: they can be dealt with literally in any place, anywhere, at any time.

xx Coco

We need to talk about privilege

Deep ✨

As you know, I am a big fan of manifestation methods and the law of attraction. I like books like Psycho-Cybernetics, and meditate on my goals daily. But one thing we need to remember is that manifesting doesn’t work for everyone, and this has nothing to do with putting in the work or skill. It has to do with the mere fact that many people don’t have the privileges to ‘just manifest’ a dream job, relationship or home. And we don’t talk about this enough.

‘I just made it happen’

I think this is because we like to think of manifesting as some kind of magic, or control. We love to be able to say that we just made it happen. We often feel like life is hard and we need to struggle to get what we want, so how great would it be if we can just think or meditate certain conditions into being?

I do often point out that certain effort must be put in as well, but overall I whole heartedly embrace the law of attraction and manifestation theories. You know why? Because they work for me.

Why manifesting works for me

But the reason they work for me is not only because I have a ‘go with the flow’ mentality, set and work on my goals daily, and slowly but surely master the art of meditation. The law of attraction also works for me because I am from a pretty wealthy family, I never have to worry about hunger or homelessness, I live in a country with hardly any problems and am born with pretty good looks and a smart-ish brain. Life is simply easier for me than for many, many other people.

And so I’m privileged enough to say ‘I want X, so I’m going to manifest X’. Because to me, it often is this simple. To a woman my age born in Africa, struggling to feed five children and dealing with a lot of disaster and poverty, it is not that simple. She can’t ‘just manifest’ a safe home, healthy children and plenty of food one the table. No matter how hard she works, wishes and meditates.

I am lucky

It makes me think of a comment someone posted as a reaction to a famous inventor of a meditation app. It said something like: ‘Of course this works for you and you are happy, you have everything going for you and nothing to worry about. It would be weird if you weren’t happy.’

The inventor interpreted this as an accusation of not being self made, and replied that she never used her parents money to get where she is, that she used to work 3 jobs to pay her rent, and that she build her whole life and business herself.

And of course, this is all true. But I think the point of the comment was to nuance how unlikely the chances are that everyone can benefit from her meditations the way she does. She is her own biggest example of how far these meditations (and of course some necessary work) can bring you in life, but she seems completely blind to how privileged and comfortable you have to be to begin with in order to truly change your life for the better. Because no, her parents aren’t super rich and never gave her money, but she does seem to have had a pretty good basis for life to build on.

Who has time to manifest?

This is probably also why Plato said that many people only start their interest in philosophy and larger life questions from the age of 50. Looking at Maslow’s pyramid – who really has the time and space (and energy) to think about self-development, manifestation, and life in general?

Right: the person who has their most basic needs met. Someone who has the time and money to spend on not much else but their own personal dreams. And who probably also has the brain to comprehend these things and can take a risk because they have the social network to fall back on when things go wrong. Which (surprise!) are indeed people like the app inventor and myself.

What I’m trying to say is: don’t pride yourself or ‘magic’ too much when it comes to how much you are able to meditate, manifest and reach your goals. The truth is that you actually need a lot of privilege, good circumstances and mere luck to be able to ‘just manifest’ something. And not everyone, unfortunately, is in this position. So let’s stop the toxic spirituality and let’s stop telling people that they are completely in charge of their own life and happiness. Life is not that simple.

xx Coco

The God that I know

Deep ✨

Yesterday, I went for breakfast with a friend in Dallas. She is a Christian, and we ended up talking about religion, God, and going to church. I explained to her that I would like to go to church, but didn’t see myself actually going, as I am not a Christian – nor plan to be.

I explained to her that I would feel like a fraud going into church, listening to their psalms and preachings and learning about the Bible, all while knowing I don’t 100% embrace the Christian teachings and don’t plan on ever converting.

A non-Christian believer

I do believe in God, but I was raised an atheist, and I don’t like religious teachings or seeing the Bible as the bearer of truth at all. I have never felt the need for religion to intervene in my relationship with God. Jesus and the Bible have nothing to do with God and being a believer to me.

I have the same feelings towards Christianity as I have towards Islam, Hinduism and every other religion. And I have never felt convicted using the word or concept of God while talking about my spiritual worldview and beliefs.

For everyone?

My friend understood where I was coming from, but said: the God that I know doesn’t care whether you feel like a fraud. The church is a place for everyone, really EVERYONE. Or at least it should be. The focus should be on your relationship with God, not on how good of a Christian you are.

I felt very thankful that she didn’t judge me for not being Christian while talking about my belief in God, and that she didn’t say anything to make me think that I should be. I’m not sure if I’ll ever go to church, but never say never I guess?

It is love

My friend made me hopeful that many churches actually practice what she preaches (a little pun intended 😉 ) – and that if I ever decide to go to church as a non-Christian, I would be welcome there.

This view of Christianity is very much in line with what one of my (also Christian) philosophy teachers once said: If religion isn’t about tolerance, you have nothing left. If religion can’t be loving and accepting, it is completely empty. If religion isn’t love – it is nothing.

xx Coco

Interpretation of Rumi #1

Deep ✨

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and rightdoing there is a field
I’ll meet you there
When the soul lies down in that grass
the world is too full to talk about

To me, this poem is about the rush or chaos that is inherent to living. I recognise the ‘ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing’ – the endless discussion about rules, truths or morals, as dispensable once you realize what life and love truly is about.

Once you’ve seen the field beyond ideas and worldly (non-)matters, the soul can rest and you realize that there’s always only been truth in that field.

My interpretation line by line:

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
Once you’ve overcome the daily, redundant rules and truths of life about what is wrong

and rightdoing there is a field
and what is right, you will find a (mental or spiritual) place that is sacred

I’ll meet you there
I have found it, I hope you find it

When the soul lies down in that grass
It is a place where the soul can rest, where the soul is at home, where all is well

the world is too full to talk about
you will realize that the world is full of unnecessary fuss and chaos, which is not the essence of life and blur it

Do you recognise something in this poem? Does my interpretation makes sense to you? I’d love to know. 🙂

xx Coco