Marfa (West Texas) roadtrip 2023

Expat/travel 🌍

Since watching Gossip Girl when I was 18, I’ve been obsessed with the remote Prada store in Marfa, Texas (remember the art sign in Lily VanderWoodsen’s Upper East Side apartment?). Now that we live in Texas, of course we had to make the – still 8 hour drive – to West Texas and see it in real life! We decided to stay 2 nights in Marfa itself, and then 2 nights at the luxury Cibolo Creek ranch to catch some sun and rest. Here’s what we saw & did:

The way there

The drive from Dallas to Marfa is about 500-something miles, so with enough stops for Bentley (and our own coffee-fixes) it took us about 9 hours. When you drive out of the DFW metroplex, you slowly start seeing nature become less green and more yellow and dry-looking. After a couple hours, the whole way is flat and becomes one big oil-harvesting field. I mean: industrial and dirty looking areas for hours on end.

When you arrive in the Marfa area, nature becomes more beautiful again: still dry, dusty and yellow, but also beautiful mountains and lots of cacti. I would say the road goes from green and curvy, to flat and oily, to real Texan dusty mountains. It was quite a scenery. Of course, we also saw a lot of remote homes and Cowboy churches (which I previously didn’t even know existed haha).

Monahans Sandhills

We stopped at the Monahan Sandhills State Park for some quick pictures. The sandhills are quite surprising in the middle of the West-Texas prairie, because somehow there’s a big area of sand only, where literally nothing grows at all.

So if you want a cute sahara-like picture, definitely stop here. We saw some people with kids camping there too, but since I’m not a huge fan of having sand everywhere, all day every day, I wouldn’t necessarily recommend staying the night.


We found Marfa itself pretty quiet and boring, to be honest. If you’re in the area, it’s a neat little town to experience some existential vibes and a lot of art. Overall, we liked to see how a Texas desert town in the middle of nowhere could exist at all, and we did find some cute places to stay and drink/eat.

The first night we stayed at Hotel Paisano (where the whole cast of The Giant, including James Dean stayed while filming), and the next in El Cosmico (a colorful nomad-like camping site). Our favorite place was Planet Marfa, a lowkey but very eclectic bar with kind locals, and the Waterstop – really good food and a real old bar vibe. I wouldn’t recommend staying in Marfa more than 2 nights.

THE Prada Marfa store

The main reason we wanted to visit Marfa was for the Prada store. For people who are unfamiliar with the concept: The Prada store is in a remote area and is NOT a real store. It is an art piece in corporation with, so not by Prada. You can’t enter the store, and the main thing it is used for is the famous Prada Marfa picture. And it is quite a sight: seeing a Prada store at the sight of a very quiet desert road! And such a bucket list thing for me.

I learned about this store when I was very young and watched Gossip Girl. Lily VanderWoodsen has an art piece on her wall saying: Prada Marfa, with an arrow and 1837 mi. It is the distance from the Prada store in New York to the Prada ‘store’ in Marfa. Now that we’ve visited the store, I’d say we’re allowed to hang it on our wall as well. 😉

Hotel Paisano

The first night in Marfa we stayed in Hotel Paisano. Like I said, this hotel is famous for hosting the whole cast of the movie The Giant. We’ve never seen this movie before, but definitely will go watch it now! The staff and service in the hotel wasn’t impressive, but the old decor and look of the building were pretty iconic. Compared to the rest of Marfa, it did feel like the place to be (hotel-wise). And real fans can book the James Dean room!

El Cosmico

The second night we stayed in the rainbow airstream at El Cosmico. This quiet, bohemian camping site is the place to be for glamping in Marfa (though I’m not sure there are others haha). We enjoyed the quietness and hippy-like features of this place. The airstream had both heating and airconditioning (and yes, we needed both) but with an outdoor shower and a train that toots its horn a couple times a night, that’s about all the luxury you get. I’d still recommend going here because the place is iconic for Marfa standards and the complimentary coffee and glitter cake pops were great!

We found a winery!

After our Prada photoshoot, we took a detour back to Marfa to see some different middle of nowhere-views. We accidentally found Chateau Wright and decided to do their wine tasting and had a couple bites with them. Even though I’m not a huge fan of Texas wine (so far), we did decide to bring home a few of their best bottles.

The place was really cute with a great overlook on the vineyard and wildlife, and the staff were very kind and knowledgable. If you’re in the Marfa area, don’t skip this place! It was one of the highlights of our trip and we even spent enough hours there to get sunburned haha.

Cibolo Creek Ranch

The highlight of our roadtrip was definitely Cibolo Creek Ranch – and yes, we loved it even more than seeing the Prada store in real life. We found this ranch as one of the only luxury stays in the area, and truly enjoyed every single part of our stay here. Cibolo Creek is a private ranch used as a five star hotel. Since you can’t really go anywhere to go eat or have fun (apart from driving back to Marfa), we had all our meals and activities right there on the ranch. The horseback riding was amazing, with stunning views and a lot of stories about the owner, livestock and history.

A lot of ‘wild’ animals live on the ranch and it’s one of the only places that sometimes even looks lush, thanks to the creek and fresh water sources in the area – which is rare for the West Texas prairie. The pool, cocktail hours and interacting with fellow travellers is something we still actually miss! And if it wasn’t as secluded and far away as it is, we would definitely come back. If you’re looking for a nice Cowboy-style yet luxury getaway, this is the place to go.

Some last words and recs

Marfa is a great place to visit, IF YOU’RE IN THE AREA. I wouldn’t recommend driving 8,5 hours like we did, just to see what Marfa is about or to visit Cibolo Creek Ranch. Since the Prada store was on my bucket list, it was worth the drive for us. But if you’re not obsessed with any of the elements Marfa has to offer, I’d recommend skipping the Marfa area altogether, amazing as it was – because West Texas is just So. Much. Of Nothing.

The villages and sightseeing things are quite far apart, so take in consideration long dusty drives and a lot of ‘middle of nowhere’-feelings. Yes – even in the center of Marfa itself. If you’re looking to visit Big Bend, I’d say book your stay closer to the Big Bend area than Marfa or Cibolo Creek Ranch – we didn’t visit the Big Bend at all because it was still too far away, and we heard the same from other travellers. Other than that, we had a great time!

Feel free to also watch the vlogs:

My favorite apartments in Dallas, TX

Lifestyle 🏃🏼‍♀️

Even though our lease ends in July, we are already hunting for a new apartment – because we love it. We love exploring all our options for new homes, love seeing different neighborhoods in Dallas and love fantasizing about a new phase of our life in the future. We have toured many luxury apartments in Dallas (twice now!) already, both high rise and mid rise, both modern and more traditional. These are my faves so far, they are all in the $2500 price range.

Keep in mind: we prefer to really be IN Dallas city. If you’re interested in the suburbs like Plano and Arlington, I’ll make another blogpost about those properties later.

1. The 23

This modern luxury high rise in Victory Park is the perfect combo of luxury and affordable(ish), between Downtown and Uptown. I love the Victory Park area for it’s cleanliness, modern finish and restaurants, bars and shops in the area. The 23 has great floor plans, awesome amenities and is still a very new and safe building. I’d move into The 23 for the location, modern amenities and clean looks. Check out their website here.

2. The Brady

This is a very well known classic, and therefore in my opinion a little bit overpriced. But it might be worth it, because there is really nothing I don’t like about this property. Their rooftop pool is beautiful, the location is very quiet yet central in Uptown, they have private access to the Katy Trail AND the property overall is beautiful. If you don’t mind a bigger building with smaller units (for your money), you’ll love living in this famous place! Check out their website here.

3. The Taylor

The Taylor is in the same area as The Brady, but I’d say is a little bit more dated. Don’t worry – they are renovating the units as we speak, and have renovated their amenities last year, so this property is beautiful! Very cozy yet modern, and even though their pool is on the ground floor I’d love to hang out there. I’d move into The Taylor for the location, the kind staff and the trendy-looking amenities. This place feels like home quickly! Check out their website here.

4. Residences at the Grove

Residences at the Grove is a great option if you love the Westvillage area. This fairly new property has great floor plans and a lovely pool with a view on downtown. When we entered this building, we instantly knew it was a great option for us. This place is modern but colorful and has GREAT amenities. The kitchen has a very luxury feel and you’ll live right in the center of Uptown Dallas (which I think is the place to be). Check out their website here.

5. Armstrong at Knox

Last but not least, I want to mention Armstrong at Knox. Even though we were not instantly in love with this place, I know taste is very subjective and this is a really great property if you love the Knox/Henderson area. Right between all the restaurants and shops Knox has to offer, and you’ll live RIGHT NEXT to Trader Joes! We liked the style and feel of the amenities, and if you don’t mind narrow hallways this might just be your next home. Check out their website here.

Want to see more?

Watch my full Youtube playlist of apartment tours in Dallas here.

What I’m wearing this Spring 2023

Fashion 👠

I know it’s only March, but Spring can certainly come quick and hard here in Dallas, TX. So I’m already looking for which trends and styles I want to adopt and wear this season. My style is very different from what it was in The Netherlands (read: it went from classic and dark to girly and more colors) – so I’m always looking for new inspiration. Here are my top picks:

1. Low(er) waist + baggy jeans

I already own my favorite Levi’s jeans in 3 different colors, but in my defense I wear these jeans A LOT. Especially the ripped light jeans, combined with cute girly tops or even blazers. It’s just a very versatile piece that you can dress up or down and that makes sense in spring, as days can be warmer but evenings are still cold (and so are AC’s in Texas, haha). So I’ll definitely wear these again this Spring!

2. Cowboy boots

Even though they can be a little hot, cowboy boots are very much part of the Spring esthetic in Texas. Combined with shorts or a dress, they can be just warm enough to not be too cold in spring, though not to hot thanks to the bare leg combo. However, I would never wear these in Summer, so this is the moment! I already own black leather shorter ones, and am on the lookout for higher suede ones like these from Mango.

3. Hot pink

This trend was already pretty booming last year, but I’m going to cross my fingers that it continues in 2023 because I LOVE the Barbie/hot pink right now! Both high end brands like Chanel as well as more budget brands hopped on this trend and I especially love dresses and accessoires in this color, like this dress is from Mango.

4. Headbands

I’m not sure if this is just nostalgia to a Blair Waldorf era or if I’m actually picking up on something, but headbands are back on my wishlist. I especially love the thicker satin or velvet ones and bejeweled ones are very popular in Dallas at the moment! It’s an easy way to make your look more girly and I always feel closer to royalty when I wear one, haha.

Please note: the links to the products are affiliate links, this means I get a small commission if you buy via this link. This does NOT influence the price you pay or my opinion on the product. So if you are going to buy this product anyway, please use this link and help a girl get $$! Thank you so much.

Designer dupes on Amazon: Hermes edition

Fashion 👠

I recently wrote a blogpost about designer-like items on Amazon. I’m always looking for good dupes, and scrolling for good Amazon finds has become my new hobby. It just so happens that I run into A LOT of Hermes lookalikes while shopping, enough to deserve its own blogpost! So here are the best Hermes Birkin & Kelly lookalikes on Amazon. I’ll start with the most/best reviewed ones:

1. Mini Birkie

This little cutie is not available as a real Hermès, but it should be! This purse is a smaller version of the famous Birkin bag and comes in six funky colors. It’s made of vegan leather and comes with a crossbody strap.


2. Accessorized Kel

This Kelly lookalike comes with all the fun extra’s like a twilly and keychain. This makes this bag extra classy and Hermès-like! The only thing that gives you away might be the black lines in the finishes, but overall this bag is a real good dupe – even the size is comparable to the real deal.


3. Simple but classic

This purse by the brand EVVE is a little bit more understated and doesn’t have the exact same measurements as a real Kelly. However if you’re looking for a classic and basic bag, this might be your match. The pebbled leather makes it look high quality and the eight available colors are simply stunning.


4. Vegan croc

This is one of the few Kelly dupes I’ve ever seen that has the beautiful croc look. It’s a little flashy and therefore not very Hermès like, but I guess Kelly’s can come in many different colors and styles. Interestingly, this also one of the few ones I’ve seen with the silver hardware details. The price is very likeable too!


5. Pretty pochette

I know this is a less popular model than the Kelly or the Birkin, but I wanted to include it never the less because it is such a good lookalike. From what I’ve heard, Levantine had good quality AND ethically made bags (they also have Kelly-like model which I included in this blogpost). This pochette is perfect for evenings and comes in six colors.


Please note: the links to the products are affiliate links, this means I get a small commission if you buy via this link. This does NOT influence the price you pay or my opinion on the product. So if you are going to buy this product anyway, please use this link and help a girl get $$! Thank you so much.

5 Products that help my health

Lifestyle 🏃🏼‍♀️

Since moving to the US, I’ve been feeling a lot less healthy than I did in The Netherlands. Small issues with my health started around 6 months into living here, and even though we live the exact same (quite healthy) lifestyle as we did before, we realized being healthy takes a lot more effort in Texas. So besides eating very healthy and moving my body regularly, I now rely on these products to reach my maximum health as well:

1. Silica

In the past few years, my hair has gotten thinner and more brittle. I guess a large part has to do with age and genetics, but recently I heard more and more people talk about Silica as a supplement for better hair. It also helps with bones, skin in nails, but this is just a bonus for me as I don’t have problems in those areas. A liquid version helps with absorbtion (if you’re Dutch, try the Vitakruid one).

2. Athletic Greens

Just make sure I have all the nutrients I need, I like to take Athletic Greens every morning. This high quality, naturally sourced multivitamin had almost everything you can think of and in the right amounts for optimal absorption. Even though AG1 is quite expensive for a multivitamin, I really feel the difference when I take it, compared to when I don’t. Also, I prefer that it’s a drink instead of just another pill to take. Read my full review here.

3. Collagen

I probably don’t have to tell you that collagen is related to healthy skin, hair, nails and bones. I like the use and taste of Vital Proteins, as I put it in my smoothie which I have 3-4 times a week. I currently have the pink ‘beauty’ edition because I initially wanted it for my skin, but they have other colors with differently sourced collagen and different benefits.

4. Superhuman app

If you wanna be the healthiest version of you, investing in your mental state is key. Stress, negative thinking and overall unhappiness do influence the health of your body. Mimi created meditations for every time of day, and for every type of occasion. Whether you wanna stress less, think bigger or release anxiety, she has what you need. I especially like the short meditations as it only takes me 3 minutes a day to feel better.

5. Huel

Huel is a great meal or snack replacement when you’re craving something sweet and don’t want to be unhealthy. Huel actually contains many nutrients which make it a full and high quality meal. This is not regular your skinny shake or protein powder! I also love that there’s no protein or stevia flavour. We have the black protein (lower in carbs) edition, since we eat enough carbs in Texas, haha.

Please note: the links to the products are affiliate links, this means I get a small commission if you buy via this link. This does NOT influence the price you pay or my opinion on the product. So if you are going to buy this product anyway, please use this link and help a girl get $$! Thank you so much.

Designer-like items on Amazon (FEB 2023)

Fashion 👠

We LOVE the class and look of designer items, but we do not always love the price. And we don’t have to, ’cause Amazon often sells very similar items for very UN-similar prices. These are my recommended items for February:

1. Kelly bag lookalike

This classic beauty is a must-have staple and is available in 6 colors. It actually has a similar width as the Mini Kelly 20 and it’s made of vegan leather with faux suede lining. The biggest difference from a real Hermes Kelly bag is the round lock detail and the absence of straps around the flap. Disclaimer: there are not a lot of reviews on this bag yet.


2. Chanel slingback pump lookalike

If we may believe the reviews, these sling-backs are very comfortable. They come in six different color combinations (quilted available too!) in pleather and faux suede with a rubber sole. The shape is very Chanel-like, the only thing that might give you away is of course the missing logo on the heel.


3. Hermes but creative

If Hermes were to step away from their classic elegance just for a day, they might design this bag. Even though this model is not Hermes-like, the (seeming) quality of the leather, colors and golden details remind me a lot of the Birkin and Kelly bags. With lots of compartments, zippers and a shoulder-strap, this could be your day-to-day bag, while being original.


4. Manolo but slingback

Even though Manolo is not famous for his slingbacks, these Hangisi lookalikes can give you that Sex & The City glam. But for a better price of course. Available in 4 different colors (hot pink too!), made of faux suede and are reviewed to be very VERY comfortable – for heels of course.

$37.99 – $49.99 (depends on size and color)

5. Quilted class

I’m always on the lookout for a Chanel-like bag that is not TOO Chanel-like, if you know what I mean. So here’s one solution: different lock, different shape, same vibes. In 12 colors! Fun detail: if you wear the strap crossbody, one of the straps makes a top handle.


Please note: the links to the products are affiliate links, this means I get a small commission if you buy via this link. This does NOT influence the price you pay or my opinion on the product. So if you are going to buy this product anyway, please use this link and help a girl get $$! Thank you so much.

Self-improvement fatigue

Deep ✨

It’s a new year again. And I love new beginnings. I always have goals and dreams for the future, and any type of clean slate makes me feel motivated to achieve them. However, in 2020 I started a self-improvement journey, including journalling and everything, that really excited me and gave me a strong sense of accomplishment that I haven’t been able to feel again.

It’s one of those things that really bugs me about life. You can never really have the same intense feelings as the very first time you felt them. And in the self-improvement area, this can be extra bugging and disappointing. Because the very thing that made you believe you can pretty much do anything is now missing, and this very same thing makes you feel like it’s your own fault.

It’s not like I don’t set or reach goals anymore. I still grow and learn everyday, both intentionally and ‘at random’. But there was something very satisfying in checking off to-do lists everyday, and have a moment of reflection at least once a week. I know how to do these things, and I could force myself to get back into the habit of it, but I’m simply not feeling it anymore. I don’t care for the lists, I don’t have energy for constant reflection – and yet I crave the rewarding feeling of it.

Which is weird, because I still set goals and reach them. I know I do – because I still check them off during the year, and reflect & plan at every end of the year. But somehow it doesn’t feel like it’s enough; I was able to see my progress (and feel good about myself!) almost daily when I was a lot more practical in my self-improvement journey. Somehow putting pen to paper and checking off things DAILY makes a huge difference in my mindset.

Maybe there is a way to get into it again, without being overwhelmed by endless moments of reflection, and the pressure to ‘do better’ every single day. Maybe there is a way to feel that sense of reward and accomplishment, without having to ‘manage’ and track your personal progress all the time.

Have you ever used a bullet journal, habit tracker or any type of journalling before? Did you lose motivation for it? Are there ‘easy on the self’ alternatives? I’d love to get your help.

xx Coco

5 Hard truths about moving abroad

Deep ✨, Expat/travel 🌍

It’s been eight months since my husband and I moved from The Netherlands to Dallas, Texas. We’re pretty lucky to go through this together, and the whole experience has been amazing so far. We didn’t run into any major problems or issues, and yet – life is pretty hard. There are some undeniably hard things about moving abroad that you can’t really work your way around. And most of them are surprisingly NOT practical things. Here’s five truths that I found since moving abroad.

1. Your solid foundation is instantly gone

We didn’t realize this before, but back in The Netherlands we had built a very solid base in our lives. You basically spend your whole life learning about a place, how everything works, and who you are in that place. You build friendships, relationships, habits, a career and a home. Moving abroad instantly makes the years and years of building disappear. And this is not something you can really prepare for, as you’ve always automatically had that base.

I’m not saying the foundation is shaken up a little bit or a little bit less stable, no: it’s completely gone. Especially if you move to another continent like we did. Everything is different, you have to figure out how everything works all over again. You have basically have to start from zero, and that makes me feel like I’m 18 again. Not only have I lost everything I knew and had gotten used to – I also lost who I was in that place. I basically have to reinvent my life and myself all over again.

2. Small moments of contact are the new normal

We travel back to The Netherlands every three months (on average), and try to see as many people as possible during those visits. However, spending only a few hours a year with your friends is not enough, or at least it doesn’t feel like it. It’s very hard on me to leave my friends and family again after only a few moments of quality time. And you can feel that this changes some of the relationships.

So online contact between those visits is key. In order to stay up to date on each others life and still invest time and energy, texting and (video)calling have become an important part of these relationships. Not everyone is good at planning this and keeping up with it, but the people who care about you will try and make that effort. Small things like checking in on health situations or sending a gift on birthdays have become more special and meaningful. Since there’s not a lot of real life contact, the small (online) moments are now crucial in still feeling close, validated and valued.

3. You will find out who actually cares

Since moving abroad did not only change your life, but also the lives of all your relationships back home, you will see that it also takes some adjustments on your friends and family’s part. Not everyone is capable of making the necessary changes, and this doesn’t have to be a big deal. For example, someone who is a little bit older and not good with technology, or someone that doesn’t fully get the differences in time zones etc. will need more effort and initiative on your part to keep in contact in order to still have good relationship.

However, you will see that there are also some people who are perfectly capable of reaching out, but just don’t feel like it’s important enough or don’t prioritize finding the time for it. This is how you lose some friends after moving abroad. Luckily, many of my friends check in on my at least weekly, and tell me they miss me and want to catch up. Only a few people somehow seem to think ‘out of sight, out of mind’ or might feel some resentment in the way that they feel like I should take all the initiative, because I am the one who moved away. This is a sad unfolding of the relationship, but there’s not really something you can do about it. Take comfort in knowing that the people who do care, will always be there – even if you’re on the other side of the world!

4. You will never feel truly ‘at home’ again

If everything works out for you, it won’t take you too much time to feel at home in your new country. We felt like Dallas was our new home pretty quickly because we liked it so much, but it took us about six months to feel ‘homey’ in our new house, and to have figured out enough of our surroundings to feel comfortable and safe here. However, with that really nice ‘at home’ feeling came the realization that The Netherlands will never fully feel like home again – or at least not our only one. If we ever move back or move somewhere else, we will always miss a part of Dallas, just like we miss a part of The Netherlands right now.

While we suddenly appreciate things in The Netherlands that we didn’t even notice before, we also now see where The Netherlands kind of screws up because Texas does these things better. There’s pro’s and cons to every place, and while we were rationally aware of that fact, living this truth and still loving both these places adds a new depth to what you call ‘home’.

There’s a cruel paradox in seeing more of the world and allowing new places to capture your heart – as you will realize that there is no way to be in all the places you love at once, and there is no true home anymore. This is also true for the new foundation we are creating here: our house, our friends, our identity – eventually we will have to give it up, just like we did with our life in The Netherlands. Luckily, we can find that at home feeling in each other, so I guess we find comfort in the words ‘home is where the heart is’.

5. No one really knows what you’re going through

Luckily for us, we are still in good contact with our ‘old’ friends, and made new ones right away. And while this helps with not feeling super lonely and getting adjusted to a new place, no one really gets what we’re going through right now (apart from other expats maybe).

Our old friends don’t fully get what the USA or Texas is like, no matter how many stories we tell or videos we make. Even the ones that do visit us can’t fully understand what feels like to live here, to have your whole life in this place – to have to get accustomed to the culture and the rules – because they will go home in a few days and live their life like it always was. And our new friends don’t fully get why we are who we are, and what made us us. Because they don’t know anything about the Netherlands, our culture or our worldview. They weren’t there when the important parts of life happened that shaped us, and they will never fully understand our way of thinking – just like we will never fully comprehend theirs – because we grew up in completely different parts of the world.

But thing that makes me feel the most alone and frustrated sometimes, is the fact that none of our friends (old or new) can fully grasp what moving abroad feels like, how scary, complicated and lonely it can be – even if we are super happy and live a life younger me could only dream of. We will never be able to explain how the nitty gritty details of this country can sometimes shake us to our core, because our old friends are still comfortable at home and can’t really imagine having to compromise their solid foundation, and the new ones are so used to the shit that sometimes truly is Texas (or ‘Murica) that they don’t recognize it as shit anymore.

Now there are also a lot of things that are super fun, exciting, surprisingly easy and breezy about moving abroad, but I don’t think that’s interesting to get into here. These are the ones I wanted to share with you today, because even if you can’t really prepare for any of these things or feelings, it helps me to get them off my chest and maybe bring you some clarity on what moving continents is really like. As always, I do feel a need to assure you that I’m fine and happy here, because I do realize that my posts have gotten pretty dark lately. This is only because I use this platform as an outlet, and life just happens to be pretty hard sometimes – even when I love it and wouldn’t change a thing.

Happy December everyone!

xx Coco

Tuesdays with Coco

Deep ✨

I’m turning 31 this weekend. And while I know I am still fairly young, I can’t help but fall into the trap of fearing the aging process. So when Mitch Albom talks about Morrie Schwartz’ perspective on aging, my heart makes a little jump.

In a society that is obsessed with youth and despises aging, I always want to remember his words: Why would I envy where younger people are? I’ve already been where they are, I’ve done what they do – and so much more than that! 

Because Morrie already knew what I’m starting to learn. That growing older is a blessing. It doesn’t only add years to your life, but also meaning, valuable lessons, and a lot of wisdom. And within that lies so much more beauty and fulfillment than a tight skin or luscious thick hair can ever bring you. And still, it’s hard to grasp how an old, dying man didn’t even envy his younger questioner one bit. 

Tuesdays with Morrie sure one of those books that has been on my tbr list for a few years now, and probably will be on there much longer. As you may know, I’m not much of a reader (no matter how hard I try to be) and I’m still waiting for the day I grow old and dying enough to grow the patience for it.

But thanks to podcasts (yes I love being a basic bitch millennial), I’ve learned enough about Morrie to be inspired by his last dying days nonetheless. I especially love his words ‘When you get where I am, and you will….’, because it so bluntly tells us what we all know but don’t want to hear: that we are all aging, that we will all die, and that we will all have our very last days one day, whether we see them coming or not.

So I like to try and learn from where he was, because I know I will get there too, and see them coming. Try to cherish the aging process, try to celebrate every year that was not my last. I don’t want to look at younger women for the rest of my life, wishing that I looked more like them.

Society desires youth, but to copy that behavior seems almost insane after listening to Morrie’s last lessons for life. Because when you get where he was, and you will, you will see that youthful looks don’t matter. You’ve already been where they are, and you have done what they do. And so much more! Happy re-birth day to me.

Xx Coco

What is Spiritual anxiety?

Deep ✨

Last week I was on my daily walk and suddenly started feeling really light-headed. It didn’t feel like I was going to faint, but it have that low blood-sugar (even though I ate enough food before) or ‘Am I dreaming?’ feeling. The feeling of getting pulled out of my body caused anxiety. I almost never go full panic attack and I know that – so I was fine. But I had to read into what was happening to me.

Because the feeling was caused by an existential realization. Right before the anxiety, I realized that I was in the world, that life was so big and daunting, and that I was alive. Overall I always experience these existential realizations as positive. As someone who feels like she chose to be here, I always enjoy these thoughts as they are proof for me that I am doing the ‘human being’ and ‘living on earth’ thing somewhat rightly. And bonus: because of my insanely self-conscious/helicopter worldview, I get to realize it as well.

Pulled out

But this was the first time that these realizations caused negatieve, anxious feelings. It’s like realizing you’re in the Matrix because someone is trying to pull you out. It’s like feeling connected to your soul because you’re disconnected from the body. Suddenly, my spiritual awakening had a dark side. And I started fighting to stay IN the Matrix. I was struggling to stay IN my body. And I was trying so hard to keep my eyes closed, because the enlightenment was suddenly blinding.

It’s hard to explain what I was afraid of. I’ve been very open to any kind of spiritual experience for years now. I’m not afraid to consider alternative lives, look into the meta-verse, or even see other-worldly beings in other dimensions. I’m not saying I strongly believe in all these things – but I’m open to it. So I wouldn’t say the unknown (near-) future was the thing that freaked me out.

See the grid

Instead, it was the out-of-body feeling itself that was terrifying. Since we moved to the USA, I’ve been trying really hard to do this ‘being a human living on planet earth’ thing. Moving continents is hard, so I’ve been focussing on what we call reality instead of meta-verse things, simply because my body had to learn to survive in this new habitat. Moving throws you back into the more basic parts of life: Where do I get my food? How to I sleep in this new bed? How do I make sense of everything and everyone here?

However, the spiritual and existential realizations on that walk that morning, cold turkey pulled me out of this reality. This American Disneyland. This ‘being human on planet earth’-thing. I have no words to explain it other than that for a few seconds, it pulled me out of the Matrix, and ‘I could see the grid’. I have always known this, and I have seen it multiple times, but this was the first time that it was unwanted and unplanned. Life itself completely baffled me.


When I started Googling, I (thank God) found some people who could explain what was going on. This is also how I found the terms spiritual anxiety and anxiety after enlightenment. I found a definition online that you may or may not agree with:

“Anxiety on a cosmic level, an existential anxiety about our place in the universe.”

I also found that someone on a forum asked: ‘Why does enlightenment seem to increase my anxiety?’ and someone else answered: It’s not weird that the mind-body is a little shaken from spiritual experiences. You’re entering a whole new reality – you just have to get used to it.

And I’m not sure that that is settling – having to get used to it. But it sure does feel nice to see that I’m not alone.

xx Coco